Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
to the child's emotional state and body language, and even to what's not said. Sounds
complicated, but it's basically being attentive to the larger picture, and more to the
point, being aware that there is a larger picture.
Helpingyourchildtodevelopafeelingvocabularyconsistsofteachingyourchild
to use words to describe what's going on. The idea is to teach the child to articulate
what's really troubling him, to be able to identify and express emotions and mood
states in language. Of course learning to express feelings is a lifelong experience, but
it's much less dependent on innate sensitivity than being provided the tools for ex-
pression and being encouraged to use them.
It all begins with convincing your child that you're willing to listen attentively
and take what he's saying seriously. Listening to your child, you help him transcend
the topical byreframing the conversation to address the underlying emotional state(s).
That his brother hit him may have precipitated the mood, but the act is topical and
of secondary importance. What you want is for your child to be able to communic-
ate how that makes him feel and to get in touch with those emotions. When you re-
duce an incident (hitting) to the emotions triggered (anger, hurt, rejection, and so on),
you have the foundation for helping him to develop constructive coping strategies.
Not only are being in touch with one's feelings and developing constructive coping
strategies essential to emotional well-being, but they also beneficially affect behavior.
A child who can tell his mother why he is distressed is a child who has discovered
a coping strategy far more effective (not to mention easier for all concerned) than a
tantrum.
Children are almost never too young to begin learning a feeling vocabulary. And
helping your child to be in touch with, and try to communicate, his emotions will
stimulate you to focus on your feelings and mood states in a similar way.
SIX MORE TIPS
UNTIL YOU GET THE ACTIVE LISTENING
and feeling vocabulary going, be careful not to
become part of the problem. There's a whole laundry list of adult responses to bad be-
haviorthatonlymakethingsworse.Hitting,swatting, yelling,namecalling, insulting,
belittling, using sarcasm, pleading, nagging, and inducing guilt (“We've spent thou-
sands of dollars to bring you to Disney World and now you're spoiling the trip for
everyone!”) figure prominently on the list.
