Coping with separation - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 84

ing her feeling towards her husband can put a damper on their relationship, which will
wreak destruction in their marriage.
She realizes that Jeffrey is committed to remaining in Thailand for the duration of his
contract. She is trying, for his sake, to not interfere with his career. Running home enables
Shirley to soothe her own unpleasant feelings and delay confrontation with her husband.
But her resentment and hostility remain. The longer she avoids dealing with them, the more
likely the problem will be diverted into other areas and become more difficult to deal with.
This will most likely come out in the marital relationship itself.
Shirley has to come to terms with her life. She must face the fact that the “foreign” coun-
try is “home” for the duration of their stay. With this frame of mind, she can put more effort
into settling in and building her support network, instead of constantly looking elsewhere.
Fleeing home only prolongs and postpones the process.
People like Shirley need to be honest with themselves as to whether they are running
home to avoid unpleasant feelings or situations. Confronting with such feelings is essential.
Denying the feelings will only cause further confusion and misunderstanding. The spouse
of someone like Shirley may think he is being understanding by encouraging her to run
home. In fact, he is only helping her to avoid confronting the problems. He needs to en-
courage her to openly voice her troubles and complaints. Together they must directly eval-
uate the situation, without blame, and seek ways to accommodate both their needs.
It would be helpful prior to relocation for couples to openly and honestly discuss the
pros and cons. After several months of settling down, do a review and evaluation of any
unpleasant feelings that have built up.
R UNNING HOME TO A SICK PARENT
Running home is sometimes unavoidable, especially when someone there needs you. When
a parent or loved one becomes disabled or critically ill, it is natural for a son or daughter to
want to be there to help and provide comfort. But, as in the previous case, this also raises
the question of where one's loyalties lie.
“I often think to myself: this may be the last time I see my mother, so I'd better go
back,” Diane said.
Diane, an expatriate wife in her mid-forties, has been living abroad for the last fifteen
years with her husband and three children. Her 82-year-old widowed mother recently de-
veloped heart problems. Last year Diane spent two months back in England taking care
of her. During the previous eight months, as her mother's condition deteriorated, she has
flown back and forth between Hong Kong and England several times.