Coping with separation - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 85

“I am absolutely exhausted. I can't tell you how guilty I feel leaving her there alone
when she needs me the most,” she wept. Diane has her hands full. She feels respons-
ible for her aging mother, as well as her own family and children. She tries to be
strong and take care of everybody, but deep inside she wants to run away.
Most people feel indebted to their parents. When they are confronted with the reality
that their parents may die soon, many people find it hard to accept, especially if they live
far away. They may blame themselves or unconsciously resent their spouse for their mov-
ing away.
For Diane, the fact that she has been living abroad, thousands of kilometers apart from
her mother, rarely bothered her in the past. But now, having realized that her mother will
not live forever, guilt wells up within her. The idea of abandoning her and depriving her of
seeing the grandchildren grow up causes Diane many regrets.
Diane has to come to terms with her relationship with her elderly mother. During the
many years abroad, she never felt an endearing closeness between them. But like many
other adult children, she feels compelled to offer her love during the fading moments of her
mother's life, only to find out there is a big gap between them. The emptiness soon turns
into overwhelming sadness. Many ask themselves: “Why didn't I get to know him more?”
or “Why did she make herself such a difficult person to like?” Feelings of guilt or resent-
ment torment many adult caretakers.
Running back home to rescue an ailing parent is a way many people attempt to com-
pensate for guilt and for not having spent time with them in the past.
However, in Diane's case, her frequent returns to England have a negative impact on her
family in Hong Kong. The whole family, especially the children, have to struggle to cope
during her absence. Her frequent travel inevitably causes tension between Diane and her
husband. What's more, whenever the family has a holiday, the destination must always be
England, in order to call on Diane's mother. Family members feel Diane puts her mother
above everybody else. They resent her mother as an outside interference to the marriage
and family life.
In fact, running back every time something is not right may not be helpful for the parent.
It causes a role reversal situation: the child now becomes protector to the parent. This can
reinforce a sense of helplessness in many elderly people. In fact, most are very capable and
independent. Having another adult hovering over them can be as overbearing as an over-
protective parent is to a child.
At the same time, adult children have to understand their own limitations and inability
to cope with the stress of taking care of elderly parents. An individual like Diane puts her
life on hold because she anticipates the need to run home any time. This not only disrupts
family life but also causes her to feel out of control of her own life. If the situation is pro-