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The bitterness of investing so much of her time, energy and resources in this relationship
has raised tremendous anger in her. All her dreams of having a compatible future partner
have been shattered. She grieves for the loss of her idealized John. All she sees is that
the person she supposedly was in love with for the last year and a half turned out to be a
stranger to her.
As for the future of their relationship, instead of denying the problem or breaking up,
May needs to deal with it more constructively, by openly communicating with John and
honestly discussing their feelings and differences. Only then can they rationally make any
future commitments.
Regardless of the obstacles in a long-distance relationship, many people still find it re-
warding. It is likely to be successful if people are especially sensitive to issues of expecta-
tions and idealization. Both must be willing to accept their separate personal growth, give
time to understand each other's values and thinking, and to honestly discuss both positive
and negative feelings between them. Premarital counseling, from their clergy member or a
qualified counselor will help the couple to objectively clarify their similarities and differ-
ences, set realistic expectations, and prepare themselves for a happy life together.
H
OME
ISN
'
T
ALWAYS
WHERE
THE
HEART
IS
What's true for long-distance lovers can also be true for absent family, friends, and even a
place. We all tend to romanticize people and things we've left behind.
“Home is where the heart is” is a poetic notion. But if the heart isn't where the body is,
it can make more than one person suffer.
“No one seems to understand what I'm going through. They only think I'm having a
good time here,” Shirley said.
Shirley, a former nurse, moved to Thailand with her architect husband fourteen months
ago. She tried to locate work in her profession but found it impossible because of language
constraints. She pursues other interests and studies and still has plenty of free time on her
hands. Bored, feeling a misfit in a foreign country, and homesick, she takes any opportunity
to fly back to Australia for a visit—to see her mother, for a grandparent's birthday, girl-
friend's baby shower, and so on.
Her frequent journeys home were intended to recapture the good old feelings. Yet Shir-
ley sensed a new-found distance between herself and her friends. They repeatedly reminded
her of how lucky she is. They envy the travel, the luxury of having a live-in maid and the
fancy expatriate lifestyle Shirley enjoys.
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