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ted himself in his communications and she wonders what went wrong with their rela-
tionship.
May is disappointed that John seems to be different from what she thought he was. In a
long-distance relationship, it is not easy for a person to have an objective view of the oth-
er. Without the presence of the other person, we can only grasp hold of an image in our
memories. People have a natural tendency to remember only the good times and the best
qualities of a loved one, which makes us miss that person even more. Differences and ar-
guments are long forgotten.
In addition, the affectionate notes and sweet phone conversations reconfirm the “per-
fect” image of the absentee. We reinforce this by fantasizing or projecting an idealized im-
age onto the person without even realizing it. Inevitably, some unreal assumptions about
each other take hold. When this carries on long enough without clarification, it is no won-
der two people will think each other different from several months before.
For May and John, the long distance restricts them from being in touch with each other's
personal growth. Written and voice communication are more direct than ever nowadays,
yet such exchanges still place a filter over expressions of thoughts and feelings. The dis-
tance and lack of personal contact can inspire a certain sense of hyperbole and drama onto
the situation. Offhand little text messages may have different connotations from thousands
of kilometers away than when they will be seeing each other that evening. There is a sense
that certain issues can be postponed until they meet again. Over time, discussions can begin
to take on an unreal quality that may not be present when the couple is together.
The long separation, loneliness, and longing for John's company brought out a lot of ex-
pectations for the two-week visit, in which everything was to be wonderful.
Couples in John and May's situation naturally feel pressured by the brevity of their visits
together. The excitement of seeing each other again and their wanting to give each other
a good impression can easily make them unconsciously avoid airing their differences, let
alone voicing any critical comments or disagreement. They may purposely avoid conflicts
or arguments in order not to spoil the brief happy time together.
In fact, this is a crucial time to catch up with each other, for direct and honest dialogue
which will help them to gain a better understanding of each other's changed values and
expectations. Further discussion of issues that they were unable to discuss face-to-face is
essential.
During the visit, May realized that John was different from the image she had formu-
lated. The contrast between the real person and the idealized image was something which
May found hard to accept. She felt cheated and resentful that she had saved herself so long
for this “ideal” guy.
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