Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 38

If one or more family members are truly unable to cope with the separation, the decision
to send a child overseas should be deferred until these questions can be answered clearly. If
they do go ahead with the decision, everyone needs to prepare for the separation and learn
to strike a new balance in their family life.
S ERVANTS AND SEPARATION
One of the benefits of living in a developing country is that most expatriate families can
enjoy the luxury of a live-in maid. Even those couples who put off hiring a servant will
do so once a baby is born. In most cases, the helper assumes a major role in child-rearing,
inevitably building a close bond. But when an expatriate family relocates, the children are
likely to experience the trauma of losing someone near and dear to them.
At a farewell banquet for the Lee family, who return to Australia in three weeks,
family photos were passed around. Their only child, Tommy, about three years old,
stared at a photo of himself and the family's housemaid with tearful eyes. He pointed
repeatedly at the photo of the maid and wept. A family friend turned to pictures of the
child standing alone and said: “Look, Tommy! There you are!” But Tommy flipped
the pages back to the maid's picture and cried again.
Both parents frowned and looked somewhat annoyed at the child's reaction. Mrs. Lee
said, “Don't be silly, she's not even part of the family,” as she took the photo al-
bum away. She looked at her guests, embarrassed, and shrugged. “The woman hasn't
even gone yet and look how he carries on!”
Little Tommy Lee is obviously upset about the impending separation from his nanny.
His parents are evidently annoyed by his display of emotion. As friendly as they may be
with their maid, she is still clearly a servant. Tommy, however, is unable to make such a
distinction. Throughout his entire life she has been his “third parent”, with whom he has
had frequent intimate contact, who bathed him and changed his diapers.
Obviously the child's outburst triggered some resentment, jealousy and hurt feelings in
the parents, who may feel that the child values the maid more than them. They may sub-
consciously deny the fact that Tommy's separation from a servant could cause him pain.
For Tommy this is probably the first major loss in his young life. Such an experience is
anxiety-provoking. The commonly-held notion that young children can't understand what
is going on is completely false. Although only three, Tommy has advanced cognitive skills
and is aware of what is happening with the separation. But with his still limited language
ability, the only way he can express his fears is through crying and disturbances in his eat-
ing, sleeping, and elimination.