Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 37

For example, if Bill doesn't initiate writing letters to the children she concludes he
doesn't miss them. He criticizes her for even implying such a thing, which in turn angers
her and she starts picking on Bill. The conflicts take on a snowball effect. Meanwhile, when
the girls don't constantly mention that they miss her she worries they are losing their close-
ness as a family.
A parent in Shirley's position needs to set her priorities straight. She hasn't lost her bond
with her children by their absence. But she could hurt her marital bonds through her own
long absences. She first needs to maintain a stable and happy household with her husband
which her children can return to. This means not taking frequent or extended trips alone to
visit the children.
Secondly, she has to come to terms with the separation and acknowledge that the parent-
child relationship is bound to be different from this point on. It doesn't mean the family
will fall apart. But the fact remains that her children will start building new support for
themselves without constantly running to Mom.
She also needs to withhold judgment as to how Bill “should” feel in terms of missing
the girls. When Bill doesn't openly lament his children's absence, this does not mean he
doesn't care.
She must give time for her own adjustment at not having the children around. She
shouldn't deny or swallow her sadness over missing her children. But running there is only
a short-term way of covering her pain. Inevitably she has to learn to loosen the reins and
allow everyone, children included, to adjust to the separation.
Parents need to ask themselves how important it is for them and their children to study
abroad. Will the benefits the child may receive outweigh the possible emotional diffi-
culties? Will the parents themselves be able to adjust?
When parents first consider sending their children to boarding school, whether or not
it is “family tradition” or has been decided from birth, it should not be presented as a fait
accompli. It is crucial to look at the child's social, emotional, psychological and mental
readiness prior to any decision. Overall, the benefit of education should not override the
emotional and psychological security of a child.
If the decision is made to study abroad, children need to be prepared psychologically and
emotionally long before the actual move. Parents should create an opportunity to listen to
their child's feelings, concerns or worries. Help them to set realistic expectations and teach
them ways to manage their concerns. Some basic survival skills and knowledge of how to
deal with the stages of acculturation will help a child feel more confident about setting off
alone. In short, parents must help their child get used to the idea of being away from their
real home and provide them with realistic expectations.