Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 36

However, returning him or her to the family is not necessarily the solution. Parents are
advised to contact the head teacher directly in order to get a better understanding of the
seriousness of the child's distress. Further decisions shouldn't be made until a thorough as-
sessment is done. Parents should use the next holiday or school break to visit their child
and encourage him to openly talk about the problems without fear of repercussions or pres-
sure.
Sending an adolescent to boarding school not only impacts the child but the whole family.
Sometimes one parent is less committed to the boarding school option, and the separation
can adversely affect that parent's life as well. Often one parent may remain for extended
periods in the same country where the child attends boarding school in order to support him
or her, but also to soothe their own guilt about sending the child away. This can inadvert-
ently cause a rift in the marriage and the family as a whole.
Shirley's two children started boarding school in Britain. She went along for the first
three months to help settle them in. Since returning to rejoin her husband she is un-
able to relax and they have been having many arguments, something which they have
not experienced for several years.
Shirley's friends said she and Bill must be going through “Empty Nest Syndrome”.
Empty Nest Syndrome usually is experienced by couples whose children have reached
adulthood and left home, and is discussed later in this chapter. However, it is not Empty
Nest Syndrome that Shirley and Bill are dealing with. After all, their children are adoles-
cents and Shirley's role of caring for them is still intact. The only difference is now she has
to provide parenting at long distance, which can be difficult to cope with. She feels torn:
she sent her young daughters abroad for their benefit, yet she still wants to be with them
and maintain the mother-daughter bonds.
Sending a child abroad requires physically letting go. Yet emotionally it can be quite
traumatic for many parents. From Shirley's perspective, her staying three months in Britain
was for the sake of her girls. However, she doesn't realize she is giving mixed messages to
the children. On the one hand, she encourages them to be independent, while on the other
hand not trusting them to do so.
Shirley's extended absence causes disruption to her home life as well. It has stirred up
conflicts and tension between her and Bill. When he suggested she take it easy and let the
girls adjust, she interpreted this to mean he doesn't care about them.
Shirley is in a difficult position. She expects herself to be both mother and wife in two
places at once. Without realizing it, she exerts pressure both on herself and the other mem-
bers of her family.