Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 39

On top of this, soon he will find himself in a totally new environment. After the move
the whole family must readjust to life without a house servant. Both parents will be more
involved in housekeeping chores, making them less energetic or available for the child in
terms of play and fun. The parents will therefore be likely to impose more rules and restric-
tions on the child. Tommy will also need to relearn certain verbal and non-verbal signs and
signals from his parents which could be quite different from those he learned earlier from
the maid. In other words, both Tommy and his parents will be under some stress because of
the move and the family's restructuring itself without a live-in maid.
Naturally, if the family plans to hire a nanny in the new location, the situation is differ-
ent, but only by a small degree. The fact of severed bonds with a cherished adult remains.
So many changes happening within a short period will create a rather traumatic experience
for Tommy. Parents in similar situations should not overlook the seriousness of what the
child is going through.
Families preparing to relocate may be preoccupied with the business of moving, farewell
parties, and so on. Parents may be tempted to leave their children with the maid even more
often than before, up until the date of actual departure. This is probably the worst thing they
could do for the child's mental health. A smooth transition during the adjustment period is
essential. It is crucial for the parents to spend more time with their children long before the
actual departure. If he or she has others to fall back on, the anxieties will be less intense
when separated from the maid.
Ideally, it would be best for the maid to be phased out gradually so that the child can
adjust to the change slowly and at the same time build a closer bond with the parents. She
would spend only a few days a week with the child during the last three months and then
gradually cut this down as the time of departure approaches. However, this may not be
practical for most families.
Try to use the child's language or games to illustrate the move and the maid's leaving,
so as to provide a chance for him or her to rehearse the separation. Parents must also ac-
knowledge and deal with their own hidden resentment toward their child's attachment to
the maid. Lastly, parents should expect a period of bereavement during which the child
cries more, has trouble sleeping and eating, and wets the bed. If patient care and sensitivity
are given to the child during the adjustment period, he or she will gradually get over the
trauma and anxiety as time goes by.
S HARED CUSTODY : INTERNATIONAL TUG - OF - WAR
Separation from any close adult is hard on a child. But when one parent goes away, perhaps
separated by thousands of kilometers, a child's life can be torn apart.