Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
It is not unusual that new parents are preoccupied with their newborn and spare little
time for each other. But if the marriage is stable, eventually the couple will adjust to
a more balanced family life without excluding one another.
However, in the case of William and Rebecca, each blames the other for being inconsid-
erate and uncaring. As far as William is concerned, the baby makes him feel an outsider at
home. For Rebecca, her child provides a needed source of love. The baby appears to have
created a conflict between them. But this issue is more the symptom than the real problem.
Apparently there was not much communication or affection between William and Re-
becca prior to their son's birth. William is very much caught up with his work since mov-
ing to Korea. When he comes home, he's usually too tired to talk. Rebecca feels frustrated,
lonely and isolated in a foreign country. Though both sense the emotional vacuum they are
in, they have allowed it to become the norm in their family. Both thought having a baby
would resuscitate their marriage.
In fact, this phenomenon is especially common among expatriate or transient families.
Many non-working wives feel isolated and vulnerable overseas. With husbands absorbed
by their work, and with little else to fulfill them in the foreign country, many wives find
themselves in need of an outlet: something to absorb them emotionally, as well as to oc-
cupy their time. A new-born infant is the perfect and “safe” solution. For husbands, too, a
baby is seen as a positive addition to the family, and a source of fulfillment for their wives.
Rebecca finds the baby really has opened a new emotional outlet for her. “I am much
happier since my son came,” she claims. The child gives her lots of uninhibited affection,
something she hasn't experienced for a long time. In return, she draws closer to the baby,
showering it with all her love and attention. Such a move pulls her farther away from her
husband. Even when William is home, most of Rebecca's attention is given to the baby. In
other words, the baby's arrival did not draw the couple closer, but rather drove a further
wedge into a problem that was already there.
Many people believe that having children will make a marriage stronger and closer. Hav-
ing a baby does provide a physical link between a couple but it will not change existing
attitudes or feelings between them. In fact, the couple's differences will further intensify
when children are involved. Disagreements over child rearing can provide even more fuel
for conflicts. In reality, the maxim “kids will make us closer” will work only for a strong
and stable marriage.
However, for an unstable marriage, parenthood can make it even weaker.
If a couple's reason for having a child is only to fill an emotional gap-whether in the
marriage or within one partner—not only will they be disappointed, but it will also ad-
versely affect the child. One or both parents will unintentionally exert pressure on their
child to fulfill the need that their spouse cannot satisfy. Children growing up in such an en-
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