The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 28

the family's expectations. A positive attitude toward resolving the conflict will draw them
closer rather than alienating each other. Rosanna especially has to be clear with her priorit-
ies and make a conscious effort to reserve time for her and Nick, even if it means she has
to selectively attend her family activities.
By gaining a clearer understanding of the root of their conflict, they will be able to solve
the issue of the weekend visits—and other similar disagreements—with far less acrimony
and hurt feelings.
Cultural differences do not spell automatic trouble in a marriage. In fact, cross-cultural
marriages in general are no more or less at risk than unicultural matches. However, mixed-
race couples need to be extra sensitive in identifying the roots of conflict. It can be too
tempting to use cultural differences, whether real or imagined, as an excuse for placing
blame or cutting off discussion.
Similarly, respect for one's own and one's spouse's cultures is essential in a mixed re-
lationship. However, both sides must be careful not to place too much weight on “culture”
or “tradition” in dictating behavior. Remember, when there is a difference of opinion in a
relationship, it is individuals in conflict, not races, religions or cultures.
C HILDREN WON ' T SAVE AN AILING MARRIAGE
It is not unusual to find expatriate couples having their first, or a new, child within a year
after arriving in their overseas post. Usually there are very good reasons for this.
Financial security, often accompanied by the convenience of having a live-in maid,
make this an opportune time to have children.
A new baby in the family can make a couple feel closer and stronger at a time when they
are far away from family and old friends. But sometimes, particularly among expatriates,
children seem to create conflicts between the parents. This is probably because they never
asked each other why they wanted a child in the first place.
“He makes me feel that spending time with our son is a crime,” Rebecca cried.
Rebecca, 27 years old, is married and has a one-year-old son. She relocated from Belgi-
um to Korea two years ago because of her husband's job.
During a recent argument, her husband William threatened to leave her. He complained
that Rebecca focuses all her attention on the child and completely ignores him. Rebecca is
hurt and confused, and finally sought therapy.
“Maybe he's right, that I don't have much time for William. But the baby needs my
attention and I truly enjoy taking care of him.” Rebecca sighed. “All William thinks
of is himself.”