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On the other hand, Rosanna has many reasons for spending time with her elderly par-
ents. However, she ignores the negative impact this has on her relationship with Nick. She
expects her husband to respect her “Chinese culture” and disregards his feelings about the
visits.
Rosanna considers Nick to be insensitive and uncaring toward her family. She feels hurt
and not understood whenever Nick raises an objection about the visits. Such a thing should
be above discussion. After all, that is her “Chinese tradition,” which her “foreigner” hus-
band must simply accept. Instead of confronting the emotional issue between them, she
cites “cultural differences” as a way to defend her stand and to cut off any further discus-
sion.
It is dangerous to immediately label issues that arise in a mixed marriage as cultural dif-
ferences.
Undeniably, an individual's behavior is affected by their cultural heritage and upbring-
ing. Yet how an individual deals with it is an entirely different matter. In actual fact, cultural
differences are not the cause of the problem. The issue is rather one of unrealistic expecta-
tions and miscommunication.
In Rosanna and Nick's case, there appear to be both personal and cultural issues in-
volved. Each finds it convenient to confuse the two in trying to get their own way. Nick
discounts the importance to Rosanna of filial piety—a cultural issue—and sees only his
wife's “stubbornness”. Rosanna discounts Nick's need to spend more time alone with his
wife—a personal issue-and sees only his “disrespect” for her cultural traditions.
In fact, they are both right and they are both wrong. Rosanna and Nick's problem is
purely a personal, not a cultural, one.
After all, when two people are interacting with each other, cultural differences are per-
sonal differences. The people involved in this case are not a generic Chinese versus a gen-
eric Caucasian; they are two individuals. They need to resolve problems on an interperson-
al level.
This is not to say that Rosanna is wrong in citing Chinese family tradition. But it is her
personal choice how much to be guided by tradition. At the same time, Nick must respect
the importance such an issue has in Rosanna's life.
The first step is to go beyond looking at the issue as a cultural one. Rosanna cannot
expect her husband to simply accept her family obligations on the basis of “I'm Chinese,
that's my culture, take it or leave it.” Similarly, Nick must realize and accept that his wife's
family traditions have a powerful effect on her. It would be wise to stop blaming Rosanna's
race, culture or family for the problem, otherwise he will only put her on the defensive.
They both need to recognize the issue is not Nick versus Rosanna's family, nor Asian
versus Western culture. It is rather Rosanna and Nick together exploring ways to cope with
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