The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 26

always something new to find out about one another, a wider variety of foods and traditions
to enrich a family's daily life, and sources of humor in little cultural gaffes.
The lack of common background can also mean that there is a lack of unspoken assump-
tions about how each other “should” behave, allowing the relationship to be built on a clean
slate. However, this is easier said than achieved. The major hazard facing a cross-cultural
partnership is when unspoken assumptions do enter the picture. These can run the gamut
from racial stereotyping to assuming that one's own way of doing things is either “univer-
sal” or “more sensible” than the foreign spouse's way.
Differences not only in culture, but in personal habits, philosophy or diet can grow into
conflict. With most married couples who come from varied backgrounds, conflicts are in-
evitable. For mixed-race marriages, marital issues can sometimes be confused with cultural
differences. This is not really a matter of cultural clash, but of lack of communication.
“I'm tired of spending every weekend with your folks,” Nick said impatiently. “Why
don't you - ”
“You foreigners just don't understand. Please stop lecturing me,” Rosanna jumped
in angrily.
Nick sighed. “Here she goes again. A typical Chinese: every time I try to make some
suggestions she cuts off the conversation.”
Rosanna, age 29, a Malaysian-born Chinese, married Nick, a 37-year-old Caucasian Ca-
nadian, just over a year ago. During the first several months things went smoothly, until
arguments began to break out. Nick found this hard to accept. As he put it: “I came to Asia
to get away from those loud and argumentative women back home.”
Nick and Rosanna obviously have different views toward visiting her family. Rosanna
considers it her duty and way of showing love to her parents. Yet Nick, who doesn't share
the same affection towards them, finds the regular visits quite annoying and interfering
with their married life.
Nick has legitimate reasons for wanting to spend more time alone with his wife rather
than with in-laws. However, he also ignores the genuine cultural issues in relating to a
Chinese family. He fails to understand that Rosanna, being the eldest daughter, has a strong
sense of obligation towards her parents.
Nick feels his in-laws have invaded their privacy.
Thinking his wife puts her parents' interests above his, jealousy and resentment fester
inside him. He feels he is being pushed aside and he takes this as a personal insult. He ques-
tions whether his wife will ever want to be apart from her family. What began as a cultural
difference becomes a personal affront.