The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 19

Each partner's feelings should be honored without judging whose feelings are more
justified. Such a situation calls for consideration and understanding rather than defending
one's position.
James needs to respect Betsy's need to maintain private commitments even when they
overlap with his being in town. He can do his part by making his schedule more in line with
hers, such as: avoid being away on weekends; plan certain major trips well ahead so that
she too has time to set her own schedule and make sure her own free time will coincide
with his; once in awhile, arrange for Betsy to join him for a short holiday together when his
business abroad is finished.
Betsy of course needs to make more effort to adjust her schedule for her husband's sake.
She needs to be sensitive to not treat her spouse like an outsider. Besides adjusting her
commitments, when appropriate she should invite him to join with some of her friends and
activities, and take no offense if he declines. Finally, let him have some of the enthusiasm
he wants from her when he arrives home from an exhausting trip.
In both of the previous examples, it is lack of quality communication that causes problems
for a frequent traveler and their spouse. Therefore, communication during the separation
is just as essential. It is important to maintain frequent contact by telephone, fax, letters or
notes to each other. Inform each other in advance of any special requests, arrangements or
other engagements, so that both sides feel prepared.
I MPOTENCE AND POWER STRUGGLES
Communication problems within a marriage are not always so easy to identify or resolve
as in the previous cases. Sex is another form of communication within a marriage. Thus,
when one partner develops sexual problems, more often than not it indicates other troubles
in the relationship.
Many men, for example, find themselves one day suddenly unable to perform sexually
with their wives. Ironically, this often occurs around the same time as other more positive
changes in their lives, such as a promotion or a transfer overseas. Naturally, the stress of
the new job or new environment will be named as the cause. There is usually some truth to
this, but not in the way one would expect. As with most marital problems, the cause comes
not from without, but from within.
Again, the expatriate lifestyle appears to aggravate, if not give rise to, a problem which
may not have existed back home.
Allen is depressed. He claims he has lost all interest in sex and it is affecting his mar-
riage.