The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 20

Allen, 34, married for over two years, says the first eight months of married life
were good. He and his wife were emotionally and sexually compatible. However, two
months after they relocated to Tokyo he started experiencing difficulties in having
and maintaining erections. He is worried that something is wrong with him. When
he finally discussed the problem with his wife, he sensed her frustration as well. She
blamed him for “rushing it through and not spending enough time to let it happen.”
Hearing this only increased his anxiety level.
The depression Allen is experiencing is the natural consequence of his worries about
sexual dysfunction. Not knowing how to deal with the problem or understanding what
causes it really troubles him. In addition, his wife's reaction confuses him and makes him
further doubt himself. It turns into a vicious cycle—the more depressed he is, the worse his
problem becomes.
Allen is suffering from secondary impotence. This means at one time he was functioning
well, but not at the present moment. Allen is not unusual. In fact, about half of the male
population experiences episodes of impotence at one time or another.
Secondary impotence can result from both physical and psychological causes. The
former include: stress, fatigue, early undiagnosed diabetes, certain medications and alco-
hol. The latter include: anxiety, fear of failure and pressure to perform. Marital discord or
problems originating in childhood can also aggravate the problem.
Allen's sexual dysfunction must have been triggered by some event in his life. Yet he
doesn't seem to know where to trace the factors. “The only difference in our sex life is the
frequency,” Allen said.
He feels his impotence is inhibiting him from leading a normal sex life with his wife,
thus leading to reduced frequency of sex. In fact, it's more likely the other way around. The
reduced sex is the cause of his impotence rather than the result.
Since transferring to Tokyo, Allen took up a more prestigious and demanding position
in his bank. Usually he is physically and mentally exhausted when he returns home. On
the other hand, his wife Wendy, who gave up her career back home to relocate with her
husband, has become more dissatisfied and bored. The new-found frustration and jealousy
towards her husband's active and busy life creates a sense of insecurity in her.
Without a conscious plan, Wendy tries to maintain her husband's affection and attention
through their sexual activities. This is her way of regaining her sense of control and se-
curity. However, due to Allen's work responsibilities their time together has been reduced
tremendously. The less secure she feels, the more time and greater frequency of sex she
demands from Allen.
Her insecurity also affects their sexual activity. She needs more time to achieve orgasm.
Her orgasmic problem can likely be attributed to her general frustration. However, from