Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
to provide “calm” and “peace” and she makes sure the children don't stir up any trouble
either. If anything upsets her she swallows it rather than risk his going away on a sour note.
Upon Joe's return, she requires herself to be cheerful and give a warm welcome regard-
less of her state of mind. Both expect to have a nice cozy time together after the time apart.
Yet this doesn't always happen. Elaine has repressed her feelings to secure peace for Joe's
sake. Yet when someone is holding something deep inside, the feelings haven't really gone
away. Eventually, like a geyser, they build up and burst out, often triggered by a trivial, and
unrelated, event.
For example, in this couple's case, the question of whether Joe will extend his contract
for another two years affects both of them. But they both claim they “never seem to have
the time” to talk it out fully. There is an intention on both sides to avoid arguments-after
all, they don't spend much time together, so why spoil it? Any mention by Elaine on the
subject of Joe's contract gets an impatient response of: “Not now.” Elaine becomes frus-
trated and lets it out involuntarily in other ways. In one case, she totally lost her cool when
he was twenty minutes late to meet her in town and they stopped speaking all afternoon.
Thus, the effort of trying to avoid fights ironically makes arguments and fights inevitable.
When there is tension between them, such couples tend to expect the next business trip
will give each a chance to “cool off” and minor disputes to be forgotten. This in turn leads
to problems remaining unresolved while they wait for the next separation to provide the
“cure”.
Frequent travel allows breaks for couples like Joe and Elaine. Yet at the same time it
doesn't allow time to share, exchange or even disagree. While apart, they are unable to dis-
cuss each other's daily trials and tribulations like most couples would at the end of the day.
Yet when Joe returns from a trip, it is almost impossible to backtrack and share a whole list
of daily ups and downs with his wife. Instead he chooses to report only a few anecdotes,
gossip, and general good news. Ironically, deep inside, a frequent traveler often feels that
his spouse either couldn't possibly relate to or doesn't understand the pressures he goes
through. Thus he too has many minor pent-up feelings, which sometimes cause him to lash
out at Elaine.
Both Joe and Elaine have to recognize that the travel has contributed some uneasiness
to the marriage. Joe cannot stop his traveling. But they can start acting more like a normal
couple when they're together.
First is to drop the facade that Elaine can't be herself before or after he leaves. Since
Joe's travel schedule is unpredictable, couples like this cannot rely on “when he has time”
to deal with each other. They need to schedule times together, just like business appoint-
ments, both to discuss problems and to just spend quality time with each other. Otherwise
all they receive is leftover time.
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