The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 16

Situations like this make even the best marriage vulnerable. And when one spouse is
frequently absent, chances to clarify concerns, to work out differences or resolve problems
are limited by time. Misunderstanding or unnecessary suspicion on both sides is difficult
to avoid. When these feelings accumulate it becomes even harder to share or discuss prob-
lems.
The only way to deal with this problem is to confront it. Both husband and wife need to
be open and honest in expressing their concerns, annoyances, fears and thoughts. It might
be helpful for both partners to quietly write down their thoughts and concerns before talk-
ing to one another. By doing so, each can clearly focus on the issue without being side-
tracked by the other's reactions and then both can address the problem head-on.
After the issue of mistrust has been discussed, couples need to negotiate ways to reduce
these feelings. For example: the traveling partner will allow the spouse to contact them at
any time, or the home-based spouse will not pry into personal diaries, and both will limit
the “cheating” jokes.
Trust and respect go hand in hand in a marriage. Trust can be built by exercising respect
for one another. If trust is based only on promises, it becomes merely an obligation rather
than a mutual way of showing love and respect. When people are apart it requires more
strength to trust. Trust, like love, is likely to stay alive, provided both are willing to work
on it.
F REQUENT FLYER FAMILY FRICTION
Frequent travel can put other strains on a relationship, even when there is no question of
suspicion or mistrust. When one partner is away for days or weeks at a time on a regular
basis, both have to work harder to maintain intimacy in the marriage.
Obviously, the frequent traveler has many stresses and strains, from the disorientation of
moving between time zones to the pressures of accomplishing specific business objectives
during a limited time period abroad. Ironically, attempts to provide a happy home for the
stressed-out traveler can sometimes do more harm than good to the family.
Elaine cannot help but be affected by her husband's frequent business travel. “I feel
I have to tiptoe around Joe before his trips, and again when he comes back.”
Both claim they have a happy marriage, in spite of the travel. Yet when he is home,
sometimes Elaine finds herself exploding at Joe “over the least little thing.” She is
confused by her own reactions.
It is obvious that Elaine has bottled up many of her emotions. Prior to his departure
she is afraid to bring up anything which may upset him or cause him worry. Her goal is