The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 14

W HO ' S TO BLAME ?
Margaret blames the affair for destroying her marriage, and the expatriate lifestyle for caus-
ing the affair. In fact, she has it backwards.
An affair is usually not the cause of problems within a marriage. More likely, it is a
symptom of problems that already exist. The expatriate lifestyle merely aggravates the situ-
ation. It is useless to blame the place for problems that arise.
Unfortunately, the burden usually falls on the wife to repair the damage. Margaret needs
to tell her husband directly that she knows about the affair, and how she knows. It is advis-
able that she waits until her first shock is over before discussing it with him. She shouldn't
make threats, but clearly state the options and choices they both have.
Husband and wife together must explore the problems in their relationship which may
have led to the infidelity. Though the man opened the rift by initiating the affair, marital
problems are rarely the fault of one person alone. After all, marriage is a two-way street.
Finally, both need to make a clear and firm choice about where they want their marriage to
lead.
A woman in Margaret's situation must work on gaining a better understanding of herself,
who she is and what life direction she wants to pursue. Before she can choose between stay-
ing married or getting divorced, she needs to regain her sense of self-identity. She needs
something to fulfill her intellectually, emotionally and spiritually—something which can
give her a sense of self-worth. Finally, she must decide what she wants regarding the future
course of her marriage.
Personal growth is vital for every person, of every age group. Indeed, personal growth
should be parallel to one's marriage. If one is not happy with oneself, one's marriage is
bound to suffer. Every family member needs the opportunity to realize his or her own po-
tential.
W HAT DOES HE REALLY DO ON THOSE BUSINESS TRIPS ?
Cases like Bill and Margaret's are the favorite sources of gossip at expatriate social gath-
erings. No weekend deck party or afternoon tea social would be complete without a fresh
story of guess-who's marriage is on the rocks or whispers of so-and-so fooling around with
his fashionable young secretary.
One can easily form the impression that marital infidelity is so common among the ex-
patriate community that it is in fact the “norm”; that even the strongest, most stable mar-
riage partnership is under constant siege by myriad temptations. The ubiquitous gossip can
give rise to worries and suspicions that would never have been taken seriously back home.