The expatriate marriage - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 13

B ILL
Bill, on the other hand, finds his ego boosted daily. He is in his early 40s, but looks younger.
He went from being a middle-ranking manager in the home office to a high-ranking exec-
utive in the overseas branch, with all the attendant increases in power, status and perks. He
enjoys his new powerful identity and all the attention he receives from business associates.
Bill's many business obligations have him working late hours. When he is home, either
he is dead tired or he wants to have peace and quiet. Even though Margaret is active so-
cially, she doesn't see her husband all day and is desperate for intimacy. Bill's preoccupa-
tion with his job has become the subject of frequent arguments, which makes their relation-
ship even more distant.
Bill is preoccupied with himself and is not able to empathize with Margaret's frustration.
He only sees her as unappreciative and views all her complaints as nagging. Meanwhile,
Bill unconsciously denies his wife's problem, because resolving it would mean having to
alter his glamorous lifestyle.
I DENTITY INFLATION
Again, the expatriate lifestyle creates a type of identity inflation, in which the image dis-
torts reality. But for a career man like Bill, the effect is quite different than for his wife. He
has a new, important position in a foreign country. The newness of it gives him a sudden
boost of attention and status. He becomes intoxicated on his own feeling of importance,
and on the new and exotic.
Returning home at night has become a letdown. There waiting for him are the same old
wife, same old children, and same old home routines. Moreover, his wife treats him as the
“same old guy”, not the special and important “star” his colleagues treat him as.
A man experiencing identity inflation doesn't deliberately set out to have an affair.
However, Bill's attention was easily drawn to his local Chinese female subordinate, who is
a sympathetic, patient listener and also looks up to him. At the same time, Bill's high-pay-
ing job allows him to get all the material comforts he wants. As he puts it, “I work hard and
I play hard.” These combined factors provide a breeding ground for a fling. In that frame
of mind, Bill treats the affair as a reward to himself.
Like most men in this situation, Bill would not admit there is anything wrong with him,
let alone seek counseling. Admitting this would be admitting failure, something impossible
for a man going through identity inflation to accept. Meanwhile, Bill is having a good time
and he doesn't see why he should change the situation, as long as his wife will tolerate it.
Terminating the affair is not even considered.