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In-Depth Information
Marriage is the union of two people, with different personalities, habits and beliefs. It
is living together, sharing both joys and responsibilities, triumphs and disappointments, the
great and the trivial. Since no two people are exactly alike and no one person should be
subservient to another, differences are bound to arise.
Most marital tension comes from unspoken assumptions and not knowing how to re-
solve conflicts. If an engaged couple reveals their assumptions about one another and about
married life, and they learn how to resolve differences before they are married, then it is
more likely that love will indeed help them to eliminate unpleasant feelings after their mar-
riage.
Tom and Janet are engaged to be married.
“We're going to have a kid right away,” Tom said.
“Wait a minute. Where did you get that idea? I don't think I want kids for at least
three years,” Janet declared.
These statements were made during a premarital counseling session. Luckily, Tom and
Janet were able to discover and resolve their differences on this and other issues before
marriage.
Most couples like Tom and Janet talk for countless hours during the courtship period
and believe they know each other well. Most don't realize they have built up expectations
toward the potential spouse.
During courtship, couples formulate a certain pattern of communicating with each other.
While dating, it is only natural to cover our embarrassing habits, flaws and temperaments.
Yet once married, all these flaws or differences are exposed during daily encounters and
can consequently lead to tension and arguments.
“It will all work out after we're married.”
“It doesn't really bother me, I'm sure I'll get used to it.”
These are myths people carry into marriage. Differences between two individuals are
unavoidable. Such points of potential conflict do not disappear by magic, nor will time ne-
cessarily change anything. Unless the differences, assumptions and expectations are dealt
with or negotiated, they will turn into disappointments, dismay and disharmony in the mar-
riage.
Quite often we hear one spouse say, “He or she changed so much after we got married.”
Usually the fact is, he or she didn't change, they are just being themselves.
Before committing oneself to a lifetime partnership, it is important to look into areas that
may trigger potential conflicts. Some of these areas may seem to be petty, yet can place a
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