Travel Reference
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joys all the expatriate perks and privileges, such as club membership and the company
yacht, which make his life very charming.
For many expatriates, the fear of returning home can be overwhelming. Expatriate com-
munities the world over are filled with people who “came for two years” but stayed for
twenty.
After investing several years of his life in Singapore building up the present situation,
going back seems like a step down. Trading in a prominent, powerful position in business
and society to become just another suit back in the home office, living an “average” middle-
class existence, would be like going backwards in life. Therefore, Bob has extended his
original two-year contract several times.
Bob assumes that Marianne brings up the subject of returning to Boston out of mood-
iness and occasional homesickness. He tries to avoid the subject, thinking she will soon
forget it. This time around, when she is actually threatening to leave him, it took him by
surprise. He believes that his wife's reaction is out of proportion. He feels that she is un-
appreciative of what she has in Singapore, that she thinks only of herself and little of his
career prospects.
Marianne, on the other hand, accuses Bob of being selfish, only thinking of his own
needs and ambitions and totally disregarding hers. She feels hurt, angry and taken for gran-
ted. Even though they generally have a good marriage she cannot see herself continuing to
be treated in this way. She feels she has given up so much for him. She believes she has a
perfect right to ask him to do something for her—that is, to move back home to the United
States.
In this situation, there is no “right” or “wrong” side.
Their problem is a lack of honest and direct communication. When the couple avoids
fighting, “to keep the peace”, they only make the situation worse.
Often a couple tries to avoid arguments at all costs. But in fact, fights can be good,
healthy, and even necessary. Arguing can give people a chance to vent their frustration
as well as to uncover misunderstandings or assumptions between them. In Bob and Mari-
anne's case, if things had been clarified much earlier, they might not have built up to the
point of explosion.
If one partner's dream is being fulfilled at the expense of their spouse's needs and de-
sires, inevitably a crisis will result. A couple must be careful not to give precedence to the
partner who happens to make more money. Unfortunately, this is usually the case, and any
expatriate couple must examine whether they are allowing money alone to guide their lives.
Similarly, each should not swallow his or her objections to a major decision which af-
fects both people equally.
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