Going home - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 102

W HEN ONE PARTNER WANTS TO GO HOME
A FTER A FEW years of living overseas, many couples find themselves in the position where
one spouse wants to move back home and the other doesn't. This is often because one—of-
ten the wife—had to give up her career, due to lack of opportunities in the new place. The
decision is usually made willingly and for the sake of the family. However, after the novelty
of living abroad wears off, many such women feel frustration and loss of identity.
Meanwhile, many men, or working women, are reluctant to give up the excitement, status
and perks they receive in their overseas posting. This conflict of interests is one of the most
common, and most difficult, causes of marital tension and heartbreak among expatriates. It
must be dealt with extremely sensitively by both partners.
Marianne was angry. “I'm tired of you avoiding the subject of moving back to Boston.
Every time I bring it up, you joke about it and totally ignore my feelings.”
“Look, I just don't want to fight, dear. Of course I care about your feelings,” Bob said.
Marianne is threatening to leave her husband Bob unless they move back to the United
States at the end of his current contract.
Bob and Marianne have been married for ten years and have one child. The family moved
to Singapore five years ago, when Bob's bank sent him to be in charge of their Southeast
Asian branch headquarters. He feels comfortable and settled there. But his wife had to give
up her profession as a nurse when they moved abroad and has never felt totally satisfied liv-
ing in Singapore.
As Bob's third term contract comes up for renewal Marianne has started pressuring him
to transfer back home, which he had promised to do a few years back. Until now, both have
believed that because Bob is the breadwinner, he is also the decision-maker. Marianne is be-
ginning to question that. The tension between them is apparent.
For Marianne the luxurious lifestyle and travel were attractive for a while but they could
not eliminate her dissatisfaction at being unable to pursue her own goals. She makes fre-
quent trips home to be with friends and family as her way of dealing with the frustration of
living in Asia. “The money is good, but I don't want to grow old here,” claims Marianne.
Secretly she counts the days to move back home.
However, for Bob the idea of returning home is dreadful. He enjoys his little “empire” in
Singapore.
With tremendous responsibility and decision-making power, Bob gains a great sense of
importance from being “somebody” among his staff and colleagues. On top of this, he en-