Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 42

Children do grow up and most leave home. Expatriate parents especially will feel the pain
of separation when their children are thousands of kilometers and oceans apart. This is a
difficult time of adjustment for parents, when two people may have to get to know each
other all over again.
“I was never happy for the last twenty years,” Gaby said in an angry tone.
Herbert scowled and appeared shocked to hear his wife's statement.
Both Gaby and Herbert are in their mid-forties, married 24 years and have two children.
They have lived in the Middle East and Far East for nearly twenty years. Their son moved
back to Switzerland last year and their daughter left six months ago for Germany to attend
university.
Gaby has been feeling agitated and depressed. She complains that Herbert never has any
time for her. Last month they finally took a 10-day vacation together. She returned feeling
even more unhappy. “On the outside we seemed to be having a good time on our holiday,
but in fact we had nothing to say or share with each other. I feel even more lonely being
with him.” It was then that she sought counseling. After a few sessions, the therapist re-
quested that Herbert accompany her for one session.
“Our children kept us close but they also kept us busy. I thought that when they'd
gone, Herbert and I would enjoy each other more, but he doesn't seem to care about
me,” Gaby complained.
Gaby is going through what many mothers go through at this stage: the Empty Nest Syn-
drome. She quit her job when they left Switzerland twenty years ago, and devoted her time
to the family and children. Child rearing became her top priority. With the children gone,
she finds herself all alone during the day, no longer busy cleaning up after the kids or hav-
ing the pleasure of conversing with them as young adults. Naturally, she turns to Herbert
and hopes he can help fill the gap in her life. Yet, to her surprise and dismay, she finds that
she seems hardly to know him anymore.
In most families, children unavoidably distract parents' attention from each other. Deal-
ing with kids may help the adults feel closer, especially when mutual support is needed in
discipline during the rebellious adolescent years. But children can also help parents divert
or delay marital conflicts by focusing most of their conversation on the children instead of
each other. This is a convenient way of avoiding conflict temporarily, but when unspoken
tension is prolonged, couples can grow apart without realizing it. When their children are
gone, all these differences or unnoticed problems will inevitably return.