Third culture kids - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 43

Empty Nest Syndrome can have a great impact on an expatriate family. The fact is, many
of these children do not simply move out of the home, but end up a continent away from
their parents. This makes it even more difficult for many parents to deal with.
A large number of expatriate families send their children overseas or “back home” to
boarding school. When they go off to university, the chances are quite high that they will
attend a school abroad rather than in their parents' vicinity. Therefore, the age expatriate
children leave home is generally younger. In turn, expatriate parents experience the Empty
Nest sooner.
At the same time, many expatriates travel frequently for work. Their children keep the
home-based spouse—usually the wife—company and therefore are the ones holding the
family intact. When children are gone it can be a devastating blow for the family, especially
the wife. The loneliness of the husband's frequent travel, which may previously have been
eased by having the children around, may become unbearable. Many of these wives now
desperately want to get closer to their husband.
According to both Gaby and Herbert, they have had a fairly good marriage. Gaby's com-
plaint that the last twenty years were total misery is very much her projection of present
dissatisfaction. Undoubtedly, though, they have been having some differences and prob-
lems which were either ignored or denied by both of them.
“She is getting very difficult to please,” Herbert said. “She complains that I never
go out with her to cultural events, so I went along with her last week to a ballet per-
formance. But she yelled at me afterward and said I didn't appreciate it.” Herbert
shrugged with exasperation.
Herbert is also adjusting to a family without children around. The children have always
provided a comfortable distance between him and Gaby. In coping with Gaby's yearning
for closeness, and his being more comfortable at a distance, he works more late hours and
sometimes even brings work home. The more Herbert avoids close contact, the more in-
secure and unwanted Gaby feels. Mistrust and resentment started building up, which put an
even wider gap between them.
For a family to keep equilibrium each member needs to maintain a certain role. Once the
children leave home most couples are forced to relate to each other in a different way in or-
der to strike a new balance. Presumably, after many years of marriage they would expect to
have a very intimate partner. Yet when closer contact is made he or she realizes the spouse
is a semi-stranger.
“Children can make a married couple closer” is really a myth. If there are flaws in the
marriage, no child can solve them. Having children may temporarily remove the symp-
toms, even for twenty years, but the problems remain.