Happily ever after - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 119

Before one partner can finish the message, the other has reacted to what they assume they
heard.
AVOIDANCE : “Come on, you're just overreacting,” Joe said. When Sheila complained
that they never spend time alone, Joe brushed it aside. Sometimes people try to avoid the
uncomfortable feelings roused by confrontation, by making jokes or changing the subject.
To enhance better communication, couples need to remove communication blocks by:
USING “I” MESSAGES : Avoid blaming your partner for your feelings. For example,
“I am not happy about how you relate to my friends,” instead of “You made me angry and
embarrassed!” By using “I” messages you take responsibility for your own feelings and
clearly state the issues, rather than simply making accusations.
SHARING FEELINGS AND EXPECTATIONS : The only way to avoid accumulat-
ing resentment is to openly share feelings. No feeling is too trivial to talk about. Both pos-
itive and negative feelings should be shared. It is also important to share your expectations.
This way both sides can avoid bitter feelings caused by assumptions and unrealistic expect-
ations.
ACTIVE LISTENING : Listen to each other's message as well as feelings before
passing judgment. Avoid jumping to conclusions before understanding the whole situation.
It is natural that people usually only view things from their own perspective. If they allow
themselves to listen to their spouse without imposing judgment right away, and put them-
selves in the partner's shoes, more empathy will result.
FOCUS ON THE ISSUE AND NOT THE PERSON : Sometimes husband and wife
start to communicate their differences, hoping to come to mutual ground. Yet they end up
arguing and lashing out at each other. It is important to stick to the issues that triggered the
conflict. Avoid criticism or personal attacks. For example, “I feel taken for granted when
you assume that I'll entertain your mother,” focuses on a specific issue, instead of “You are
so insensitive to my needs and all you think of is your relatives. Your whole family is like
that...” The latter statement actually avoids the issue and promotes further conflict.
I F YOU HAVE TO FIGHT , FIGHT FAIRLY
“I hate to argue. She always gets so emotional, so I choose to be silent,” Joe said.
No one likes to fight. In fact, most people will do everything to avoid fighting with their
partner. Most of us don't realize that fights are necessary, even healthy, sometimes, espe-
cially when there are conflicts, disagreements or unresolved issues that get pushed aside
without being properly dealt with.