Happily ever after - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 118

Love and romance are important in a marriage, but they are not the only ingredients. To
keep a marriage—and the original romance—alive, both partners need to have open com-
munication and quality time together.
A happy marriage is not a matter of chance. You can make the choice for marital happi-
ness, if both you and your spouse are willing to put in the work. In this way, you will enjoy
a thriving marriage rather than become victims of a bad marriage.
O PEN COMMUNICATION
“She doesn't understand me,” Joe said.
“He doesn't respond when I talk to him,” said Sheila.
These are statements I hear often in my therapy room. At times people find they can't
communicate with their spouse, who is supposed to be their most intimate partner in life.
Often, attempts at communication end up in conflict.
“How can we communicate better and resolve conflicts?” many people ask. There are
methods that can lead to more effective communication. provided genuine participation and
practice are provided.
Before we can work on improving communication we have to understand what causes poor
or miscommunication.
DENIAL : “Oh, no, it doesn't bother me,” Sheila said. Meanwhile, inside she is thinking:
“...but I'm really mad as hell!” When Joe stayed out a few nights in a row with his drinking
buddies. Sheila felt angry and left out. But she denied her own feelings and hoped they
would go away. However, unresolved feelings are often projected onto other marital issues.
For example, she overly criticizes the way Joe dresses. If such feelings continue to be sup-
pressed, it will snowball and cause general resentment between the couple.
EXPECTATION : “Why should I always have to explain?” Joe snapped. Joe returned
home exhausted and expected to have some peace and quiet. But Sheila and the children all
noisily demanded his attention. Joe became angry that his wife didn't understand his need
and he yelled at her. Many people assume since they've lived so long with their spouse, he
or she should be able to read their mind. When things don't turn out the way they expected
they become angry or disappointed.
ASSUMPTION : “You already said enough,” Sheila yelled. When Joe started to explain
about the office open house, Sheila immediately assumed that Joe was trying to talk her out
of going. She felt rejected and refused to listen. Sometimes couples find themselves com-
municating on different wavelengths. One or both listen only to what they want to hear.