Paying Attention - Alone in Antarctica: The First Woman to Ski Solo Across the Southern Ice - page 37

with the mental shock of being alone. I was on my own in more
than just the physical sense and somehow I had to process that
fact. I had to get past the reflex of fear. Until I had my emotions
under control I didn't feel I had the capacity to share what I
was going through with anyone. Instead I texted a single word
in an SMS message to the expedition Twitter account. It read
simply, 'Alone.'
I switched off the satphone and put it away. Wriggling into
my sleeping bag, squirming until I was comfortable, I lay
unmoving, listening to the quiet. I tried not to think of the
challenge to come, of the weight of the miles and days ahead.
Before leaving the UK I'd tried to prepare for this moment
by seeking the help of a sports psychologist. Dr Pack is a
research scientist with an interest in solitude and psychological
resilience as well as how this might be linked to particular
thought or mood patterns and processes. The first time we
spoke was over the phone. He talked in rapid bursts followed
by long silences but the conversation was encouraging. Despite
the fact that most of his work had focused on high-performing
athletes dealing with the mental stress of competition and
training, many of the issues I raised seemed to be familiar to
him. He told me that the next stage would be something he
called 'mental deconstruction'. I wasn't sure that I wanted to
be 'deconstructed' but he assured me that it was just a matter
of understanding my thought processes better. We met a few
weeks later at the University. He was a small, slight man who
listened intently as I explained my worries about the expedition
to come. As I spoke I tried to organise my thoughts into some
kind of order but ended up rambling about everything from
homesickness to hallucinations. Given the randomness of my
monologue I was a little surprised when he was able to put