Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
tremity. It was like lying in a wheelbarrow. The night was hot and the air conditioner, an
aged Philco window unit, expended so much energy making a noise like a steelworks that
it could only manage to emit the feeblest and most occasional puffs of cool air. I lay with
the six-pack on my chest, effectively immobilized, and drank the beers one by one. On the
TVwasatalk showpresided overbysomesmoothasshole inablazer whosename Ididn't
catch. He was the kind of guy for whom personal hair care was clearly a high priority. He
exchanged some witless banter with the bandleader, who of course had a silvery goatee,
and then turned to the camera and said in a solemn voice, “But seriously, folks. If you've
everhadapersonalproblemortroubleatworkoryoujustcan'tseemtogetagriponlife,I
know you're gonna be real interested in what our first guest has to tell you tonight. Ladies
and gentlemen: Dr. Joyce Brothers.”
AsthebandlaunchedintoaperkytuneandJoyceBrothersstrodeonstage,Isatupasfaras
thebedwouldallowmeandcried,“Joyce!JoyceBrothers!”asiftoanoldfriend.Icouldn't
believe it.Ihadn'tseenJoyceBrothersforyearsandshehadn'tchangedabit.Notonehair
on her head had altered a fraction since the last time I saw her, droning on about menstrual
flow,in1962.Itwasasiftheyhadkeptherinaboxfortwenty-fiveyears.Thiswasasclose
as I would ever come to time travel. I watched agog as she and Mr. Smoothie chattered
away about penis envy and fallopian tubes. I kept expecting him to say to her, “Now ser-
iously, Joyce, here's a question all America has been wanting me to ask you: What sort
of drugs do you take to keep yourself looking like that? Also, when are you going to do
something about that hairstyle? And finally, why is it, do you think, that talk-show bozos
like me all over America keep inviting you back again and again?” Because, let's be frank,
Joyce Brothers is pretty dull. Imean, ifyouturnonthe JohnnyCarson showandshe is one
of the guests you know that absolutely everybody in town must be at some really big party
or premiere. She is like downstate Illinois made flesh.
Still, like most immensely boring things, there is something wonderfully comforting about
her. Her cheery visage on the glowing box at the foot of my bed made me feel strangely
warm and whole and at peace with the world. Out here in this crudbucket motel in the
middle of a great empty plain I began for the first time to feel at home. I somehow knew
that when I awoke I would see this alien land in a new but oddly familiar light. With a
happy heart, I fell asleep and dreamed gentle dreams of southern Illinois and the rolling
Mississippi River and Dr. Joyce Brothers. And it's not often you hear anyone say that
either.
