Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
CHAPTER 15
IT WAS THE Columbus Day weekend and the roads were busy. Columbus has always
seemed t0 me an odd choice 0f hero for a country that celebrates success as America does
because he was such a dismal failure. Consider the facts: he made four long voyages t0 the
Americas, but never once realized that he wasn't in Asia and never found anything worth-
while. Every other explorer was coming back with exciting new products like potatoes and
tobacco and nylon stockings, and all Columbus found t0 bring home were some puzzled-
looking Indians-and he thought they were Japanese. (“Come 0n, you guys, let's see a little
sumo.”)
But perhaps Columbus's most remarkable shortcoming was that he never actually saw the
land that was t0 become the United States. This surprises a lot 0f people. They imagine
him trampling over Florida, saying, “You know, this would make a nice resort.” But in fact
his voyages were all spent in the Caribbean and bouncing around the swampy, bug-infested
coasts 0f Central America. If you ask me, the Vikings would make far more worthy heroes
for America. For one thing, they did actually discover it. On top 0f that, the Vikings were
manly and drank out 0f skulls and didn't take any crap from anybody. Now that's the Amer-
ican way.
When I lived in America Columbus Day was one Of those semibogus holidays that existed
only for the benefit Of public workers with strong unions. There was no mail on Columbus
Day and if you innocently drove all the way over to the east side of town to the Iowa State
Vehicle Licensing Center to renew your driver's license you would find the door locked and
a notice hanging in the window saying, CLOSED FOR COLUMBUS DAY HOLIDAY. So
TOUCH SHIT TO You. But otherwise life was no different than on any other day. Now,
however,itappearedthattheColumbusDayholidayhadspread.Therewerelotsofcarsand
recreational vehicles onthe highway and the radio announcers kept talking about things like
the number of fatalities that were expected “this Columbus Day weekend.” (How do they
know these things anyway? Is there some kind of secret quota?) I had been looking forward
to reaching New England because I wanted to see the autumn color. In addition, the states
would be small and varied and there wouldn't be that awful rolling tedium that comes with
all the other American states, even the attractive ones. But I was wrong. Of course, New
England states are indubitably tiny-Connecticut is only eighty miles across; Rhode Island
is smaller than London-but they are crowded with cars, people and cities. Connecticut ap-
peared to be just one suburb. I drove up US 202 towards Litchfield, which was marked on
my map as a scenic route, and it was, to be sure, more scenic than a suburb, but it wasn't
exactly spectacular.
