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and object of anger. Equally important, isolation frees you from the scrutiny and ex-
pectations of the others in regard to how to handle the situation.
4. REVIEW THE SITUATION WITH THE CHILD
.If,asdiscussedpreviously,you'vemade
your expectations clear, stated the consequences of failing those expectations, and ad-
ministered a warning, review the situation with the child and follow through with the
discipline warranted. If, as often occurs, things are not so black and white, encourage
the child to communicate his feelings. Try to uncover what occasioned the acting out.
Lecturing and accusatory language don't work well here, nor do threats. Dr. Turnbow
suggests that a better approach (after the child is calm) is to ask, “What can we do to
make this a better day for you?”
5. FREQUENT TANTRUMS OR ACTING OUT
. The preceding four points relate to dealing
with an incident as opposed to a chronic condition. If a child frequently acts out or
throws tantrums, you'll need to employ a somewhat different strategy.
Tantrums are cyclical events evolved from learned behavior. A child learns that
he can get your undivided attention by acting out. When you respond, whether by
scolding, admonishing, threatening, or negotiating, your response further draws you
into the cycle and prolongs the behavior. When you accede to the child's demands,
you reinforce the effectiveness of the tantrum and raise the cost of capitulation next
time around. When a child thus succeeds in monopolizing your attention, he effect-
ively becomes the person in charge.
To break this cycle, you must disengage from the child. The object is to demon-
strate that the cause and effect relationship (that is, tantrum elicits parental attention)
is no longer operative. This can be accomplished by refusing to interact with the child
as long as the untoward behavior continues. Tell the child that you're unwilling to dis-
cuss his problem until he calms down. You can ignore the behavior, remove yourself
from the child's presence (or visa versa), or isolate the child with a time-out. The im-
portant thing is to disengage quickly and decisively with no discussion or negotiation.
LILIANE
Tantrums are about getting attention. Giving your child atten-
tion when things are on an even keel often preempts acting out.
