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And I couldn't allow that to happen.
Here are some facts. According to the World Health Organisation and their 'official' figures
there are no vasectomies in France at all. None. Officially it doesn't happen. Vasectomies only
became legal in France in 2001, as up until then it was considered to be self-harm and there-
fore against the Napoleonic Code. My arguments against this are numerous. Firstly, it's not
'self-harm' - quite the opposite, this is 'self-preservation', particularly in respect of my sanity.
Also, what do you mean by 'self-harm'? Am I doing the operation myself? And anyway, the
Napoleonic Code was established in 1804 as a central codifying of numerous local, some-
times, conflicting by-laws, so it's time to move on, right? Time to look at old laws through
modern eyes, after all this is the twenty-first century, we can move on, can't we? Our local
doctor, it turns out, is a big fan of the Napoleonic Code.
'Never,' he said, genuinely astonished and quite flustered, 'never, in over forty years as a
doctor has a man, a REAL man, asked for this!' We tried to put our case to him but he was
having none of it and he leaned forward conspiratorially. 'You,' he pointed at me, 'you could
still have children, for years to come.' He leaned back again. 'Your wife, no.'
I was stunned. Not only had he said this to me but he had said it in front of Natalie, who was
sitting next to me - and via Natalie, as she was translating! There is no pun intended when I
say that one almost has to admire the balls of the man, but there's also a certain irony in that
I had to restrain Natalie from performing exactly the kind of operation on him that he was so
dead against.
Reluctantly, and with a look on his face that suggested that this was indeed the 'end of days',
he referred us to a specialist; in fact, he was so upset that for the first time ever we left his
surgery without a prescription for something, though if he could have had had me incarcer-
ated I'm sure he would have done so. The specialist was equally zealous about vasectomies.
We knew something was wrong when we were kept waiting an hour beyond our appoint-
ment time in the gloomy, 1960s clinic waiting room. French doctors tend to play a bit fast
and loose with punctuality at the best of times, but the previous 'patient' had left earlier and
no-one else had gone in. The harassed-looking specialist, however, kept emerging from his
office and welcoming in some sharp-suited individuals. We couldn't work out what was go-
ing on but it was all quite comical, and he reminded me a bit of Peter Falk in Columbo . The
delay, it turned out, was because he needed to clarify his legal position. 'Legally,' he began,
quite flustered, avoiding my eye and constantly referring to a tall man next to him who was
clearly a lawyer of some kind, 'legally, I don't have to perform this operation.' I stared at him
and couldn't help laughing which only made him more distressed. 'And ethically, it's against
everything I stand for!' He said with a flourish and opened his office door to indicate that the
interview was at an end.
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