The Shortlist - Fat Dogs and French Estates - page 24

After several disastrous attempts at leaving messages on answer machines I gave in
and worked my day around French opening hours. I thought my first attempts at harnessing
the language were perfectly acceptable. I practised like mad and came up with appropriate
words, taking care to start with the hoped for “Parlez-vous Anglais?” My opening gambit
was always well received until I reached the all-important bit whereupon the response was
usually “Pardon?” or just a straight “Non”.
These were not the replies I wanted. It crossed my mind to ask Jack to step into the
breach for these telephone conversations. However, he does suffer from advanced estate-
agent-o-phobia. So, given the French chaps' reputations for being sensitive, I was con-
cerned that he might make instant enemies of my fragile new contacts. Instead, I fought off
stage fright and stumbled on with my set of helpful phrases.
With French-English dictionary set to page-blur-turn mode, I braced myself for the
barrage of colloquial French, spoken at three hundred words per minute. During this on-
slaught I came across the nearly-magical word ' doucement' (gently/slowly). This would
usually result in a slight pause in conversation and a new delivery speed of about ninety
words per minute. But, after about ten words, the speaker couldn't bear it any longer and
returned to the original hypersonic velocity.
One thing I have since learned is that the French exhibit an unusually high respect for
their language, almost bordering on protectionism. I contrast this with the general attitude
of English speakers. In the face of poorly spoken English we bend over backwards to un-
derstand and to be helpful. For example, I was once preparing a presentation in Munich
when one of my German colleagues started telling me how clever he thought the works
carpenter was.
“You know he can, as you English say, make a leather wallet from a pork's nose.”
“Ah, yes I understand. But Herr Müller, I think you probably mean that he can make a
silk purse out of a sow's ear .”
“Yes, perhaps he can do that also. But what is this sow ?”
This led me to spend the next ten minutes on various linguistic explanations, all of
which I was happy to do, because I was delighted that he was taking such an interest in
English. He was trying hard to speak it, so I tried my best to interpret his efforts and help
him improve.
French people are not often like this. Older people in particular can be quite prickly
and feign total lack of understanding when spoken to by an unfortunate foreigner who
struggles to pronounce words perfectly. The word accueil (reception), for example, is a real
tongue-twister for me, climatisation (air-conditioning) even worse.
Equally, however, the French become very warm and supportive if you do make a real
effort and try to learn the language reasonably well. In this case they'll behave with a sense
of exaggerated indulgence. They consider that l'anglais is not forever destined to speak in