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When I replied, “unfortunately we don't” to her questions—apologetically at first and
then slightly less so as the weeks wore on—she seemed enormously miffed.
I kept referring her back to our web page, but it didn't seem to matter. Within twenty-
four hours she'd simply call back with yet another bizarro question.
“Are there any houses within five hundred yards of your property line?”
“Yes,” I replied, “our house is in a quiet residential neighborhood.”
Then I steered her back to the web page for a quick reality check. But she just seemed
annoyed all over again. We called Jane and warned her about this woman.
“Fiona has a terminal case of
folie de grandeur
,” I advised Jane. “Don't take any lip
from her.”
“Don't worry!” Jane said brightly, obviously not the least concerned (I told you Jane's a
tough cookie).
But we steeled ourselves for trouble anyway. And yet the day of Fiona's arrival came
and went with no irate phone calls from her or desperate pleas for mercy from Jane.
“Maybe they had a shoot-out and they're both dead,” I suggested to Michael that night.
“That's the only logical explanation. Otherwise we would have heard something for
sure.”
Unable to contain my curiosity any longer, I called Jane the next morning.
“Okay, what's the story?”
“What story?”
“About Fiona. Has she been difficult?”
She laughed.
“Well, she was a bit peevish when we drove up to your house and there was no pool.”
“Huh?”
“She said you advertised a lap pool.”
“Jane…” I began.
“Calm down,” she laughed. “I know you didn't tell her any such thing. But wait, it gets
better. She walked through the house like Martha Stewart on steroids, pointing out every
tiny imperfection. I kept expecting her to pull out a pair of white gloves and spot-check for
dust.”
“Oh God.”
“But the strangest part is, she called this morning and said how much she and her hus-
band adore the house.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She couldn't stop raving about the crisp sheets and the big fluffy towels. She's a
pussycat.”
I rest my case.
If good-quality linens can win over Fiona, they can win over anyone.
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