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“What you plant?” he asked now, scratching his belly with one hand while digging
around in his gap-toothed mouth with the index finger of the other.
“Well…” Michael began thoughtfully.
“Oh my God!” Feliz screamed out of the blue.
Then he turned to me.
“Are you one hundred percent today?”
“Absolutely,” I hazarded, wondering what he could possibly mean. “One hundred per-
cent.”
I certainly wasn't going to settle for anything less, whatever we were discussing.
This sent him into gales of uncontrollable laughter, punctuated by loud rat-a-tats of flat-
ulence.
We edged slowly away. Frankly I was tempted to run inside and bolt the door.
But then I remembered that his own garden was lush and reasonably well-tended, and
it occurred to me that he might have some useful advice for us after all. I decided to give it
a try.
“What kind of plant would you put here?” I asked, pointing to the small triangular plot
near the driveway. “
¿Aqui?
” (here)
“
¿Aquí?
” he repeated, drooling slightly.
“
Sí, aquí
,” I said, pointing again.
He considered.
“Cactus!” he stated emphatically. “Or
flores
or ferns.”
Even I, who had never cultivated anything more demanding than a
Chia Pet
, recog-
nized the complete and utter uselessness of this advice.
“What grows in sunlight?” I prompted him. “
Sol
.”
He rearranged his genitals and belched greasily. “Calathea.”
“Calathea?” I repeated.
“
Sí
.”
Michael, looking vaguely encouraged by this scrap of information, took up my thread.
“And what do you plant without sun?” he asked. “
¿Sin sol?
”
“Ah,” Feliz replied, touching the side of his nose with his finger. Hadn't I seen Mafiosi
perform this same gesture in countless
Godfather
-type movies? Only I couldn't recall its
significance. Arcane hand gestures had always baffled me—if you scratched your chin with
the back of your hand you were disrespecting someone's mother, and if you touched your
eyebrow while tugging your earlobe you were suggesting group sex. Or something like
that.
“Heliconia,” he said, winking ominously.
“Good for no sun?”
“Yes, no sun.”
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