Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
close. It's quite a dance as they waddle across the piazza. The last thing our group would
imagine is that the guide is concerned about insulting them with a three-quarter view of her
shoulders.
The Two-Pass Approach
One of the trickiest rituals of courtesy for a foreigner to discern has to do with offers and
invitations: how to make them when you are the host, and how and when to accept them
when you are on the receiving end. Here's an illustration:
You're shopping at the weekly outdoor market in the next village, and you run into a friend
who lives there. You chat for a while and she says, “Come on up for a minute; I want to
give you the topic that I mentioned last time that I think you will enjoy.” You come up to
her apartment, she hands you the topic and then says, “Listen, it's almost lunchtime. Why
don't you stay and join us for lunch?” You look at your wife, discuss it for a moment, and
then say, “Sure, that would be great!” Your hostess thinks to herself: “Americans! They are
sweet, but they are so clueless,” as she tries to figure out what she's going to feed you.
What's going on here is that the first time the offer is made, it is done as a friendly gesture
that is meant to be refused. The clear expectation is that you will refuse it. Your host or
hostess will then say, “Well, perhaps next time. It was a pleasure to see you today.”
If the offer is made in earnest, and they really mean it, then they dismiss your refusal and
insist that you join them. And they assure you that since they are already cooking for four,
it would be no problem at all to cook for six, and that it would be a pleasure for them if you
could stay. At this point you can accept or not depending on your inclination, but you know
that the invitation is for real.
When you are on the other end playing host or hostess, you need to use a similar two-pass
approach. After the meal, if you simply ask whether anyone wants a cup of coffee, you'll
get a mix of “no, thanks” and “no, please don't bother, it's too much trouble.” That's the
polite refusal which every well-mannered Italian feels obliged to make. They are now wait-
ing for you to say, “Don't be silly. It's no trouble at all. I'm going to make some anyway
for myself. Who else will have a coffee?” On this second pass you discover that about half
of your guests would love a cup of coffee.
It took us a long time to understand this particular ritual. We finally got it after our friend,
Michela, from Cortona told us a story one day about her experiences living in Germany.
She had gone up to Hamburg to work over the winter and perfect her German language
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