America the Dutiful - Across the Pond: An Englishman's View of America - page 56

allowed to proceed. Americans are religious about sport, and in this are like many other
nations. Most other nations, however, are less religious about religion.
In the United States, Christianity needs to be sanitised, modernised, de-Judaised and
Americanised, a project which is known among other things as the Mormon Church. The
scandal that Jesus was a scruffy, unhygienic Jew from a part of the globe sorely bereft of
bath tubs and chocolate chip cookies must somehow be rectified. So must the fact that he is
even more remote from us in time than Gary Cooper. His message must be streamlined and
updated, translated into the mission statements of business schools. Such schools usually
run courses on business ethics, a subject which a cynical observer might regard as falling
into the same category as research into unicorns. In a world of swindling financiers and
chief executive gangsters, there is a sense in which Centers for Business Ethics are urgently
necessary. One might also argue that they make about as much sense as an Institute for the
Advanced Study of Elves.
God is a very fine American because he is such a fantastic success. He knows everything,
can do anything, can hire and fire his underlings as the fancy takes him, and despite being
omnipotent is admirably upright. This is a rare enough combination on earth, where power
and virtue tend to be in inverse proportion to each other. There could be no better role
model for an aspiring entrepreneur. God is not dependent on anyone else, and as such is
a kind of cosmic advertisement for American individualism. He is unbelievably enormous
and powerful and so is the United States, which makes it logical that he should have a spe-
cial place for the country in his heart.
It is true that the Creator's best-known product, the universe, leaves something to be de-
sired. It is widely acknowledged to be riddled with some alarming flaws and defects, and
might well benefit from being taken back to the drawing board. Perhaps the project was
overambitious. All the same, you have to hand it to someone who can manufacture such a
stupendous product so cheaply, using no materials whatsoever. You can even share in the
Lord's success, rather as you can buy shares in Walmart. This is known as grace. The Su-
preme Being is also remarkable for having cornered the market in universes, at least as far
as we know. Certainly no other such product has appeared so far.
Given all this, it is not hard to see why religion and political ideology in the States can
be so beautifully blended. Much of the former is simply the latter in thin disguise. It is true
that God does not seem to have passed on his success ethic to his immediate family. His son
hung out with losers, crooks and whores, and never did a decent day's work in his life. If
there had been state handouts in first-century Palestine, he would probably have been first
in line to grab them. One can easily picture him as a union agitator, demagogically organ-
ising Galilean carpenters. He also probably supported socialised medicine. No doubt it be-
came painfully clear to his distraught parents that he lacked a winning attitude. He refused
to settle down, father a number of beautiful, supremely talented children, and contribute to
society as an upright citizen. Instead, he denounced the rich, was deserted by his compan-