Divided Languages - Across the Pond: An Englishman's View of America - page 12

six counties” instead (or the “sick counties,” as the Irish novelist Flann O'Brien has it).
Some people in Northern Ireland regard themselves as British, some as Irish, and some as
both. Some of those who see themselves as British would regard the Irish Catholic popula-
tion in the North as being as much alien interlopers in their land as Kenyans or Cambodi-
ans.
Most of the Irish do not regard themselves as part of the British Isles, since most of
Ireland is no longer British. Apart from “these islands,” however, there is no convenient
phrase to describe the two places as a whole. Since most of Ireland is not part of Britain,
it would be both offensive and incorrect in Ireland to refer to Britain as “the mainland,”
though Northern Unionists would use the phrase. It would be as unacceptable as New Zeal-
anders calling Australia the mainland. For Irish republicans, calling the Northern Irish city
of Derry Londonderry would be as heinous an offence as calling Native Americans red-
skins.
American tourists should know that there is a Northern Ireland but not a southern one.
The term “southern Ireland” is rarely used by the Irish themselves, since they regard them-
selves simply as Irish, and perhaps because it implies acceptance of the partition of the
country. (Though Dublin has now in fact officially accepted it.) “Ireland” or “the Irish Re-
public” will do instead—though to compound the complications, some Irish republicans
would reserve the latter phrase for a nation which does not yet exist, namely, an Ireland
completely independent of Britain. The Irish Republican Army (IRA) sees itself as deriving
its authority from a future it has yet to create. In any case, some bits of so-called southern
Ireland are geographically to the north of some bits of Northern Ireland. The preposterous
word “Eire” should be avoided at all costs, for reasons too tedious to recount. It is probably
best to forget about these geopolitical puzzles and simply enjoy the scenery.
The Irish language, incidentally, is called Irish, not Gaelic, since the latter term covers a
whole family of languages. To say you speak Gaelic would be a bit like an Englishman say-
ing he spoke Indo-European. Extensive brain surgery is required in order to learn Irish. The
language most Irish people speak is known as Hiberno-English, and includes such imagin-
ative terms of abuse as “gobshite” and “fecking.” The latter word, overseas visitors will be
surprised to hear, is not a sanitised version of a somewhat stronger oath. The Irish version
of that is “fugghan,” repeated by some of the population every six seconds or so except
during the more solemn parts of the Mass.
There are, then, a number of linguistic and geopolitical traps in Ireland to catch the
unwary. But the same could be said of the United States. Why do its inhabitants call
themselves Americans? Why are Mexicans and Canadians not Americans as well? Isn't
this rather like the Chinese being allowed to call themselves Asians, but not Indians or
Koreans? Is a certain land grabbing built into the very way its citizens designate them-
selves? I was once treated to a fine example of U.S. linguistic imperialism when an Amer-
ican editor changed the phrase The Times , which I had written in a reference to the Lon-