Death and divorce - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 92

ANGER : We may feel angry at ourselves or the other person for causing the loss or
feeling of abandonment.
BARGAINING : We begin to have second thoughts and wonder, “Would he come back
if...?”
DEPRESSION : We finally realize the loss is irreversible. We stop fighting the truth and
become withdrawn and depressed.
ACCEPTANCE : We eventually face the reality of loss and are able to deal with it. Di-
vorcees stop blaming themselves or others, put their lives together and start over again.
Bereavement is a vital process for a person to channel painful feelings and reclaim men-
tal and emotional stability. However, a lot of courage and support is required to endure the
agony of the process. Within a tight-knit expatriate community, people may try to suppress
or cover up their grieving, for fear of gossip spreading. Sometimes people are tempted to
take the easy way out and run away.
When people fail to grieve properly they are unlikely to let go of the past. They will live
in a world of avoidance or denial until they are confronted with painful fact. After a di-
vorce, if you haven't gone through the entire course of bereavement, you may hold onto the
negative feelings, and eventually project them onto other relationships, which will cause
another loss in the long run.
Being aware of the five stages of bereavement is half the battle toward recovery. When
a person can finally acknowledge and accept a loss, he or she then is able to reinvest emo-
tional energy in another relationship or task which is meaningful to him or her. Otherwise,
he or she will remain in a world of anger, guilt, self-pity or helplessness. It is important for
every person to examine his or her way of coping with loss. Choose the process of bereave-
ment and not avoidance.
Being conscious of the bereavement process will help in confronting the next di-
lemma—to stay or to go home.
T O LEAVE OR NOT TO LEAVE ?
“I don't know where to go,” Sandy cried. “I feel I have no home to return to.”
After months of heated arguments, therapy and negotiation, Louis and Sandy finally
came to a painful decision: divorce.
Sandy and Louis have been living abroad for over 12 years. With the divorce, Sandy
finds herself stripped of her entire way of life. She has to move out of the company flat
she'd considered home. Naturally, she no longer belongs to the bankers' wives' social
circle. Trying to avoid painful old memories, she distances herself from former mutual
friends.