Death and divorce - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 91

“I'm just no longer the same person. I feel haunted by my ex-husband,” June said
sadly.
June, 45 years old, has been living in Singapore. She divorced about nine months ago
after a seventeen-year marriage. She claimed the marriage was stable until she discovered
her husband's affair. They went through a long, bitter period of fighting before they de-
cided on divorce. June went to stay with her sister in Sydney for three months right after
her divorce was final.
Being a strong-willed person, June was determined to make it on her own. She had
worked for many years as a language teacher in Singapore. She wasn't about to sacrifice
her position or leave the country she had made her home just because of the divorce. She
returned to Singapore, moved to a new apartment and resumed practicing her profession.
She felt that the three months away had helped her to forget her pain. She was surprised to
find herself getting over the trauma so quickly.
However, June's lifestyle has become more sheltered. She avoids contact with places
and people associated with her ex-husband. She discarded all those items that remind her
of him.
Things went fine until two months ago. Through an acquaintance she heard that her
former husband, also still in Singapore, would be getting remarried. Suddenly, she became
hypersensitive. Inexplicable rage kept building up. She went through a stage of crying
spells and found herself unable to perform her job.
June is experiencing delayed bereavement. She lost her husband and a stable married
life through the divorce, yet she hasn't given herself a chance to grieve over the loss and
hurt.
She had tried to deal with the reality of her divorce by distancing herself from the re-
minders. Her time away from Singapore, then avoiding any former contacts, and moving
to a new home, all simply enabled her to evade painful memories. But when confronted by
the fact of her husband's remarriage, suddenly the agony of her loss is reactivated.
Bereavement is a process that we must go through whenever we experience a loss. It
provides an opportunity for us to grieve and to accept and deal with the loss. Bereavement
is not only something we go through when a person has died. It is part of getting over any
loss, including marriage breakup or disability. In different circumstances the loss may dif-
fer, yet the basic grieving process is the same.
Normally, people go through five stages of bereavement:
DENIAL : During this stage, we may refuse to accept that the loss has actually taken
place. Sometimes we may play down the impact and convince ourselves the loss is revers-
ible. Often people remain in the Denial stage, repress their feelings and carry on as normal
for a while, until the unresolved feelings get triggered. June's case is an example of this.