Daily life dilemmas - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 71

would be disappointed to have to go on their own. It can become an annoyance rather than
pleasure.
If the guests are parents then obviously more responsibilities are assumed. In a foreign
land, visiting parents will depend on their children—not only as hosts, but as ambassadors
or cultural go-betweens. There, far away from the old family home, the children are the
masters of the household and the parents the dependents, being guided and taught how to
behave and not behave in the foreign country. In a way the child takes up the role of parent.
Role reversal creates confusion for both child and parents. Frequent reminders by the
children about where to go or how to act, or constant questions and requests from the par-
ents, can cause both sides annoyance, which is easily misinterpreted as disrespect or lack
of appreciation. Sometimes a parent's cultural faux pas can cause embarrassment. If this
goes on without clarification it can lead to hurt feelings between parents and child.
Such tensions should not reach serious proportions during a short visit. But when retired
parents choose to visit for an extended stay it can upset the whole family balance. The
couple and their immediate family may begin to get irritated and long for more space and
privacy.
People in Ann's situation will experience various kinds of stress. Trying to fulfill all her
roles as mother, wife, daughter, hostess and care-provider at the same time may cause her
to become exasperated. Yet having such negative feelings is also guilt-provoking and could
be taken as a sign of rejecting her parents. Therefore these feelings are often denied, which
itself can turn into a further source of stress.
It is important for the host and hostess to remind themselves of their own limitations
in terms of energy, space, time and tolerance for lack of privacy. In order to maximize the
pleasure and minimize the stress and inconvenience, it would be helpful to discuss the plan
with the guests long before they arrive. Just because they want to stay two weeks does not
oblige you to agree. Clarify far in advance how long they will be welcome to stay and how
much time the host can spend with them.
It is essential to set a realistic schedule for spending time with visitors. One mistake
many hosts or hostesses commit is over-extending themselves, as well as overwhelming
their guests by trying to do too much in too little time. Learn to give the responsibility back
to the guests of determining what they want to do during their visit. Let them do their own
exploring. This probably will give them a more fun experience.
As far as reversed roles is concerned, the child has to recognize and remind him or her-
self that this is only temporary. Instead of resenting it he or she should allot time for privacy
and personal pursuits.
When necessary, say “no” to guests. Often visitors assume that since they are on holiday
the host or hostess is also free to take time off. Thus it is up to the host or hostess to be