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Devoted to his business, Andrew's life very much revolves around it. He realizes that
parties and social obligations are part of his job, and at these he can function well. He ap-
pears confident and comfortable in such settings.
He learned quickly that most people relate to each other in their particular defined roles
of banker, diplomat, advertising executive, or whatever. Everyone talks about business or
politics, or makes small talk, but rarely expresses anything even remotely personal. Andrew
also slips into his own role as “successful businessman”, which he finds convenient and
safe. But he doesn't realize it has become a stumbling block in his attempts to make real
contact with people.
He is so used to hiding behind his mask as a business person that he finds it difficult to
relate to others even in informal settings. The club, parties, pub and gym are often places
he makes business contacts. He tells himself, “You never know if one of these people may
be a future client. It would hurt my business image if I become too personal with them.”
Therefore, even when meeting acquaintances and socializing, he remains superficial, de-
tached and impersonal. On the other hand, he complains that “sometimes I want to let my
hair down, but I just don't know how.” Deep inside he feels lonely, left out and stuck in a
twilight zone.
Andrew's problem is not exclusive to him. Many lonely people out there also put on
masks. Andrew's mask is that of “self-assured, successful businessman”. They can appear
confident and sociable at parties and yet inside yearn for real friendships, just like Andrew.
As many people recognize, expatriate society in most countries revolves around cliques.
People usually associate with others of similar social standing and/or profession. They are
drawn together in business as well as in social gatherings. It is not easy to move outside
one's clique, and within the group it is nearly impossible to suddenly change habitual ways
of relating to each other. The common belief that “no one has time for or interest in person-
al issues” reinforces the continuance of relationships at a superficial level.
Andrew blames his business for causing him to be stuck in such a position. However,
blame doesn't accomplish anything. Andrew must realize that he deliberately allows others
only to see a certain part of himself which he feels comfortable to reveal. By doing so, he
prevents people from really knowing him.
Many people like Andrew do not know how to draw a line between when to be them-
selves and when to don the mask. Whenever in doubt, on goes the mask and out goes any
chance of getting to know others on a deeper personal level.
In order to generate real friendships you need to allow yourself to take risks, just like
in business. You need to evaluate the circumstances and, if the situation permits, be more
open about personal thoughts and feelings.
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