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husband's reputation. Unfamiliarity with local resources keeps them even more isolated.
Their situation becomes a vicious trap.
After repeated cancellations, Alice finally showed up for counseling. “He would kill
me if he knew I'd talked to you. I don't know what to do anymore. He did promise not
to hit me again,” Alice sobbed.
Alice, 39, appeared frightened and desperate. She described her husband Jack as
“temperamental and anti-social”, and physically abusive. Apparently the situation
worsened since they moved to Manila nine months ago. He drinks more, and often
becomes quite violent. “If I hadn't locked myself in the bathroom the other day he
would have killed me,” she cried.
Life for Alice is filled with despair. She finds herself walking on thin ice every day. She
doesn't know when he will come home in a rotten mood and use her as his punching bag.
After most incidents he'll apologize and promise to never let it happen again. Yet some-
times he will be a totally different person and they're able to enjoy some happy moments
together.
Alice's situation may seem unbearable to most people. But for her it is still better than
having nothing at all. “I need him and I have nowhere to go,” she claimed.
Socially isolated and with no family nearby, Alice sees herself as helpless and having
no alternative but to depend on Jack. She tolerates his abuse and often finds excuses for
his behavior. Either he was “too stressed” or “too drunk” or “still haunted by his deprived
family background.” Rather than resenting Jack's abuse, she blames herself for causing it.
Only after the most recent incident did Alice realize her life was in actual danger. Still, she
doesn't recognize his behavior forms a pattern which can only get worse.
People who abuse family members usually are possessive and see their victims as prop-
erty. They disregard the other person's feelings and are unable to empathize with them.
Spouse abuse never happens only once. It is part of a pattern of pathological behavior that
is beyond the control of the victim and takes more than a promise to deal with.
A victim of physical abuse often suffers from low self-esteem. She demeans her own
self-worth and sees her existence as under the mercy of others. She makes herself feel re-
sponsible for the assaulter's behavior. Yet though she may sometimes provoke by being
argumentative or nagging, she is not the one actually causing his pathological behavior.
Therefore the victim has to first recognize the pattern of such abusive acts and understand
that it isn't caused by her own “wrongdoing”.
Tolerating abuse will not help the situation, but rather prolong the pain and increase the
chances of real danger, not only to the woman but to her children. Usually a drastic move
is necessary.
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