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derstanding which, if left unresolved, can burn a small but festering wound in an otherwise
loving relationship.
“I'm with the kids all day. I don't think I'm asking too much by just wanting some
adult conversation,” Heidi said.
“How many times do I need to tell you? I don't mean anything personal, but when I
walk in the door I'm just not ready to chat,” George explained.
As Heidi describes, once George walks in the door she suddenly feels transparent. He
goes straight to the living room to read his sports news. For her it is like being doused with
cold water.
From George's view, he sees himself walking through the front door into an interroga-
tion room where he is bombarded with questions and mini-crises. He feels overwhelmed
and wants to hide.
Who is at fault?
Neither of them. They simply look at things from different angles and don't appreciate
each other's point of view. In fact, this is a common phenomenon in many households.
Heidi feels rejected when George returns home, refusing to talk. After all, she spends
most of her time with the kids and only at the end of the day can she see George. A little
conversation is the least she could expect from him. She questions what she could possibly
have done wrong to deserve this kind of treatment. Such feelings inevitably put her in a de-
fensive mode. Sometimes she snaps back to let out her hurt. But usually she will try to win
him back by showing keen interest in his work. She will ask all sorts of questions about the
office to keep in touch with “his” world. Once he responds, she will double her enthusiasm
and ask more questions.
Yet George takes her questions as another “demand”, just like at work. He can't wait
until the end of the day so that he can drop his superman/decision maker/negotiator/leader
mask. He doesn't want to answer more queries or be at others' disposal. All he wants is to
relax and enjoy himself.
Heidi's enthusiasm is taken as an intrusion. He is afraid to open his mouth, for fear of
another torrent of words in response. The more chatter his wife makes, the more he keeps
her away. He feels Heidi makes conversation only when she is ready to listen and forgets
how he feels at that moment.
Furthermore, George thinks he is doing Heidi a favor by not sharing with her. “I don't
want to tell her too much about my troubles at work. It will only upset and worry Heidi.”
He tries to save her from pain by concealing his problems and comes out with bland gener-
alizations.
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