Death and divorce - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 95

The most frequent and obvious question is:
S HOULD I TELL THE TRUTH TO MY CHILD ABOUT THE DEATH OF HIS
OR HER LOVED ONE ?
Telling the truth to children is important and inevitable. It will help both the remaining
parent and the children to acknowledge the irreversible reality. This allows them all to
grieve and move on with life. This holds true, whether the deceased is a parent, grandparent
or other loved one.
However, before parents can tell the truth to their children they have to realize that a
child's understanding of the concept of death varies with age.
Children under two years old appear to have no concept of death, although they do react
to the absence of a significant individual and to the feelings of those around them. From
ages two to five, children usually view death as a familiar condition like sleep. They don't
believe the condition to be permanent. At age five, most children have some sense of the
permanence of death, yet their thinking is selective. The idea that everybody, including
children, has to die is not understood. Not until nine years of age can children normally
understand the final, irreversibility of death.
Since Jane's daughter Betty is only three, it is very difficult for her to understand why
her Daddy is not returning after a period of absence. For her, things may disappear, but they
always return, just as Daddy always did after a trip.
In telling the truth to the child, certain explanations of death should be avoided because
of the potential for misunderstanding. Adults should resist the temptation to describe death
as a “long sleep”, “long journey” or that “God took him.” These answers may create neg-
ative associations with sleep, travel or God.
The child might believe that if she goes to sleep, she will never wake up. This will cause
sleep disturbances, such as nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night. Similarly,
a child might fear repeat abandonment by the remaining parent during any physical separa-
tion. Anger and resentment may result from literally believing that God has taken away her
loved one. God should not be blamed, but rather, depending on the family's beliefs, seen as
receiving the departed one and offering comfort to the living.
Another question often asked is:
H OW CAN I TELL MY CHILD SO THAT SHE OR HE CAN UNDERSTAND ?
When adults try to explain death to children, they should employ simplified language
which relates to the child's world. Providing daily life examples of things the deceased can-
not do will give a child a better understanding of death. For example: “Daddy can't read to