Death and divorce - Keep Your Life, Family and Career Intact While Living Abroad - page 94

Gently tell people that you need time to sort things out. Sometimes other's comments or
criticism towards the former spouse will only add to the pain and confusion. Support from
friends or relatives can be very helpful, but you need to select the ones who suit you.
Expatriate divorcees, especially non-breadwinners, obviously will face more changes.
Returning home immediately should be treated as an option rather than a must if the situ-
ation allows.
Divorce can be a long and painful process. Even when divorce is final individuals still
need a lot of time—up to two years—to adjust and cope with the changes. Most import-
antly, they need time to heal.
D EATH ON THE ROAD
The ultimate separation is, of course, death. The trauma caused by loss of a family member
can be compounded when living overseas. Relatives, who would normally provide support,
will be far away. The sudden loneliness of being left without a spouse, parent or child while
living abroad can make those who remain feel helpless, abandoned and out of control.
Extra adjustments are necessary for an expatriate family when one member has passed
away. Particularly when the deceased is the family breadwinner, death can mean not only
a sudden adjustment to life without him or her; it may also mean loss of financial support,
housing and other benefits, visa status and, especially, loss of the reason for being in that
country in the first place. Thus the remaining family members are also faced with the de-
cision of whether or not to move at short notice back to the home country.
An ever-present worry for expatriates or any family in which one member travels fre-
quently is that an accident may occur while he or she is far away. The surviving spouse will
be left feeling especially helpless or even guilty. When there are children left behind, the
impact of the loss and so many adjustments can be too much for a parent to handle. The
adult, already hurting and confused, may be at a loss how to tell the child.
“I don't know what to say to my daughter. Whenever she asks why her Daddy hasn't
returned, I feel so terrible for her,” Jane sobbed. “How can I help her understand? I
hardly understand myself!”
Jane's husband, a frequent traveler, died in a car accident during a business trip three
months ago. He is survived by his wife and their three-year-old daughter, Betty.
A widowed parent like Jane faces the difficulty of talking to his or her child about the
death of a parent. They don't know how much a child can understand, whether telling the
truth is appropriate, or if it is better to cover it up until the child is older. Such questions
cause the remaining parent confusion and delay in handling this important issue.