Travel Reference
In-Depth Information
Finally I was inside that room. I recall being amazed by how
small and bare it was. My room at Nagamma's was bigger and more
comfortable, and I had regarded it as a penance. This was also the
first time I had ever really stood beside Baba. Like the room, he was
unbelievably small. As I looked down into his eyes, trying to think
of something to say, I began to shake, gasping with emotion. Quite
involuntarily, I said, 'I love you, Baba,' over and over and over again.
He hugged me, his hair soft as lambswool in my face. This
surprised me. I'd imagined it would be wiry.
Ba-ba
, I thought
absurdly,
the Lamb of God
. Looking down at him, though, I had the
odd impression that I was really looking up at him.
'Baba love you, too,' he said.
He meant it - I could
feel
it. To
be loved
: That was not the same as
to
love
. I had never let myself
be loved
before, I realised.
And I was so grateful that I merely wept more. It was all I could
do. Baba then proceeded to basically deliver a summary of my life
and a breakdown of my personality in machine-gun bursts that had
me reeling, nodding humbly, speechless. With all my faults, there I
was, 'the thing itself.' It seemed to be his way of reassuring me that
there was nothing he did not know about me, and that none of it
bothered him. The sum total was, as he usefully confided, 'much
confusion.' I had to agree. He reassured me that he would sort things
out. It was a workmanlike statement. 'Thanks,' I managed.
He'd moved back by now, and was circling his hand in the space
between us. Expecting some trinket, I was surprised to see a white,
oily substance appear in his palm. Somehow, I knew what he wanted
to do, so I lifted my shirt and let him rub this substance into my
chest.
I kept thanking him profusely. Then he said, 'Don't worry. I am
always with you. Baba loves you.'
Next thing I knew, I was back in the antechamber.
The subsequent few days are a blur. I recall walking around in a
daze, so happy that I couldn't speak. It once crossed my mind to
start walking out across the great subcontinent and never stop, never
question again what was undeniably true.
Perhaps I should have done that, but I didn't. When I eventually
tried to tell people what had happened, I found I was not even sure
