Forty-Six - Alone in Antarctica: The First Woman to Ski Solo Across the Southern Ice - page 79

many wonderful people, but in fact it was the exact opposite. It
was by remembering those who had been disparaging of me in
the past, or events that had left me feeling angry and indignant,
that provided the greatest incentive. I needed to prove people
wrong or, rather, to prove to myself that those people were
wrong. I recalled those who had dismissed me, people who
had been unjustly harsh in their evaluation of my character
and my capability, in order to galvanise myself. Perhaps it is
natural that the strongest feelings provoke the most dramatic
responses. Hurt so often stays with us longer and more vividly
than praise.
Sitting in the entrance of the tent I revived ancient
wounds. I thought about the trusted team-mate who
unfairly attributed to me every set-back of the expedition
we shared, later summarising in a report to our peers that I
'lacked mental toughness'. I resented anew the remarks of
an experienced polar explorer and personal hero that I had
been thrilled and honoured to meet who commented that
the expeditions I had toiled through and fought for were
'just a bit of fun for the girls'.
Most of all I dwelled on my time at Rothera with the British
Antarctic Survey. I remembered the smart of the disapproval
I'd sensed from a handful of colleagues who felt that my
attitude was wrong, that I wasn't appreciative enough of my
surroundings and therefore didn't deserve to be there at all.
I don't know if it was because, at the age of twenty-three, I
was the youngest on base, or because I enjoyed the parties and
pop-up bars on station as much as the landscape outside, but
for whatever reason they wrote me off as unworthy, denying
me the opportunity for responsibility whenever they could and
refusing to see that I had anything to offer. For someone who