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depths, looked intently at us and then dived under again. It was a sight
to remember, but a worry too, because seals are the staple diet of polar
bears. We sleep with the loaded Magnum and a flare gun, just in case
we have an unwelcome visitor.
aPril 18
I have all but given up on trying to push for faster times on the ice. Eric
is intractable. White snow, grey sky and blue ice: this is my life day after
never-ending day. This is a place where voices are frozen and silence
is deafening.
aPril 19
The end of this dreadful April is getting closer, thank God, but I am
seriously worried about our schedule. Today, we travelled just 19 kilo-
metres, and yet we worked so hard. The sleds are such millstones and
yet a necessary evil, because they carry our food, fuel, camera equip-
ment and tents. The camping costs us around four hours a day: two
hours setting up and heating and two hours pulling down on top of
breakfast and dressing. Temperatures of around -40 degrees make
even the simplest tasks, like packing the sled or zipping up a jacket,
epic toils. Eric is still insisting that we take five breaks a day. If I had my
way, there would only be two.
I've been chanted the 'Serenity Prayer' to myself: 'Dear God, help
me to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot, and have the
wisdom to know the difference.'
We plod along. Eric, Jose and Clark are quite happy with our pro-
gress. They say polar expeditions are notoriously slow.
I am spending a lot of time replaying my life in my mind, from
when I was a little kid through to the present. I try to keep things
positive, but sometimes when I'm hurting, such as now, my pain is
reflected in the negativity that I cannot prevent creeping into my
thoughts. I wish I could apologise to Robert Cross for jabbing him with
a pencil when he tried to take my topic off my desk in third class. I
wish I had been a nicer person through my teenage years, instead of
the ego-driven, car-racing, girl-chasing loser that I was. I wish I had
applied myself at school and made something of myself. Maybe then I
