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'Yeah. We might as well go straight there now. England are playing another European
qualifier tonight. We'll hopefully catch the end of the game.'
'Yeah,wow,that'llbefun,'saidBensarcastically,ashehasnointerestinfootballwhat-
soever.
'Good old Mrs Rogers,' I said as I followed Ben across the room towards the stairs.
'Yeah, I'm going to roger her in the morning,' said Ben, for no apparent reason.
And then he froze.
He turned and looked up at me as if he had seen a ghost. I've never seen anyone look
more petrified in my life.
Mrs Rogers was standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Ben was halfway down the stairs and continued to stare back up at me with a look as if
to say: 'Help me, George. Say something to get me out of this terrible situation.'
I said nothing. Mrs Rogers finally spoke.
'I just wanted to show you where the light switch is for the downstairs kitchen. It is just
here at the bottom of the stairs. Could you make sure you turn it off when you go out and
before you go to sleep.'
'Yes. Of course. Err. Will do. Thank you, Mrs Rogers,' said Ben, still motionless on the
stairs. She turned and left the outhouse, and closed the door behind her.
'Oh. My. God. What have I done?' said Ben, cupping his face in his hands.
'What the hell did you say that for? What possessed you to say you were going to roger
Mrs Rogers?'
'Oh god, I don't know. I think I must have Tourettes or something. If I hear a name like
that I have to make a stupid joke about it. Do you think she heard me?'
'She must've done. She was standing about ten feet from you. You idiot!'
'I know. Bollocks. Oh fucking bollocksy, bollocksy, bollocks.'
'I don't know why she didn't say anything. Or even chuck us back out into the street.'
'Maybe she didn't hear me. Or maybe she didn't understand what it meant? She's prob-
ably in her house now flicking through a dictionary. Why am I such a twat?'
'I've no idea, but you are. It was very funny, though.'
'There's nothing funny about it at all. That kind old lady has given us a place to stay to-
nightandthenIsaidIwasgoingtorogerher.Shit,thatwasthemostembarrassingmoment
ofmylife.Howdidshecomeinwithoutushearingher?Shewaslikeaghost.Shemust've
melted through the wall or something. Let's get out of here.'
We followed the pitch-black country lane back down to the main road, and then saw the
pub a little further down the road. We hardly spoke the entire way. Ben was still cringing
about what he'd said, and I was being smug that it hadn't been me.
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