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'Dordie Wardie.'
Ben erupted with laughter and nearly choked on the Eccles cake that he was eating.
'What the fuck? Ha ha. Dordie Wardie? My god, what is all that about?' he spluttered.
'When I was little, I used to call myself Dord because I couldn't say George properly.
MyparentscarriedoncallingmeDord,andthenforsomereasonovertheyearsitgradually
got extended to Dordie Wardie. That's what my mum, Dad and sister call me now.'
'Ha ha, that's ridiculous. Dordie Wardie! Your family are bloody weird.'
'Your mum must have a name that she calls you? What does she call you? Benny
Boodles? Benny Wenny? Benji Bunny?' I probed.
'Ben,' he said.
'Oh.'
My mum received the card the following day, and Dordie Wardie received some serious
brownie points.
We had been sitting on the bench by the Post Office for over an hour before we realised
it was 2pm and we had only cycled ten miles. We continued through the quaint villages
of Sopworth and Leighterton, before reaching the busy A46 which we followed to Stroud.
We stopped briefly at a pub on the outskirts of Stroud because Ben was peckish for some
peanuts.
'Do you really have to go and get peanuts? Can't you just wait until later when we can
try and eat properly?' I asked.
'No, I really need something now and I think peanuts are the answer.'
'They won't give you any. This is a pub. Do you really think they'll just give you pea-
nuts if you walk in and ask?'
'Of course. Why wouldn't they? We've not had any problems so far.'
'Yeah, but that's because we haven't really been asking for specific things, and we've
been asking out of necessity rather than just because we fancy a snack,' I said, trying to
justify my increasing frustration. 'Remember that time you asked for a new bottle of wa-
ter?'
'Thatwasbecausethatblokewasanarsehole.Fine,wellyouwon'twantanyofmypea-
nuts when I get them, I assume?'
'No, I definitely won't.'
I waited outside the pub with the bikes, as I was too embarrassed to go in with him. Part
of me hoped that he would come out empty-handed having suffered humiliation in front of
a pub full of locals. The other part of me hoped he would emerge carrying peanuts, as I too
was hungry. I promised myself that I would decline them anyway, just to make the point
that I didn't need them.
He appeared a few minutes later with four bags of peanuts; two packets of salted and
two packets of dry roasted.
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